Pregnancy tips, tricks, and wishes I'd done more of...

I found this post in my archives and realized I never posted it. I have since had another baby and still stand by these pregnancy tips.

Pregnancy was something I was always curious about. In fact, my baby(s) are a product of curiosity- in the best way possible. :) I tend to be very in tune with my body and what is going on, so pregnancy was one big sensation overload for me. These are things that I have learned, that have helped me, or that I wished I had done more of:

Exercise
This is something that I wish I had done more of. I exercised for the first two months of pregnancy and then morning sickness and bronchitis knocked me flat on my back. I didn't exercise again until about my 7th month of pregnancy and by then I couldn't do much. If I had known of the future weight gain that would happen, I think I would have worked through the sickness to exercise more in the beginning. Plus, exercising always helps with emotional well-being.

Eat Well
This one is obvious. But really, I could have eaten a LOT better. Instead, I felt bad for my pregnant sick self and indulged in whatever I wanted. (Ice-cream everyday, drive through french fries, tons of candy and dessert, DOUGHNUTS, raw ramen noodles...) Probably because of that, I've had a hard time losing the baby weight. Indulging is fine in moderation, but I often gorged myself on junk food and used pregnancy as an excuse. (Not good and probably caused my gestational diabetes, ugh.)

Motherhood Maternity Store
I didn't visit/discover this store until toward the end of my pregnancy, but wow, what a gem! In a world full of tiny maternity clothing sections ie: Target and Old Navy, Motherhood Maternity is heaven. It is a store full of only maternity clothes that are not only cute and fashionable, but decently priced. Oh, and they give you a goodie bag of free stuff on your first visit. You can also find some MM things on Amazon as well.

Buy Clothes on Sale For Next Season
I got pregnant in October and quickly realized that I would be in the peak of wearing maternity clothes in the dead of summer. So in October/November I jumped online and ordered all sorts of summer maternity clothes that were on sale. While it felt funny to order clothes for a body that I didn't have yet for a season that had just passed, it was probably the smartest thing I could have done. Come the warmer months and the bigger belly, I was all set with a closet full of clothes that fit well and didn't break the bank.

Best Maternity Jeans
H&M online has the best maternity jeans in my opinion. I actually ordered a pair of maternity skinny jeans on sale for only $15 and they were perfect. I also had a backup pair of jeggings that I liked.

Best Maternity Dresses
Being toward the end of my pregnancy during spring and summer meant I lived in dresses...and attended a lot of weddings. The best maternity dresses (both formal and casual) for affordable prices I found at ASOS online and amazon. This dress was a go-to staple, this dress I STILL wear, and I had one of these dresses for postpartum breastfeeding.

Coffee
Initially, I had cut coffee out of my routine because I'd always heard that pregnant ladies can't drink coffee. Then, due to morning sickness, I stopped liking it for a while. During my second trimester though, I got horrible headaches. My midwife told me to drink a small glass of coffee and low and behold, it helped! So I continued to drink a small cup of coffee for the rest of my pregnancy and never had headaches again.

Pregnancy Sleeping Pillow
Andy got me one of these for Christmas and I hated it. I am a one-pillow kind of gal. No fluff, no frills, keep it flat, cotton, and simple. Starting around the 6th month of my pregnancy though, I pulled the prego-pillow out of storage and discovered its greatness. From that moment on, I used it every day and even carted it on trips. It was that helpful!

Humidifier
Being pregnant in the dry winter sucks. They also say the extra hormones can lead to congestion...not sure how that works, but I felt it. I couldn't get past bronchitis or the common cold. Having a humidifier in our bedroom was so helpful and provided much-needed relief.

Prenatal Massage
Yes, massage can be expensive and seem indulgent, but if there's ever a time to get one it is pregnancy. Getting a prenatal massage put me on cloud nine, literally, I got a body high from it. (Dare I say it was better than sex!?) Just do it.

Snacks
I made a snack box and kept it loaded with goodies that I could grab for my purse and car. Best decision ever! Crackers, granola bars, little baggies of trail mix, dried fruit, rice cakes, cut apple slices in little baggies kept in the fridge, applesauce pouches for kids, cheese sticks, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches bagged by the half sandwich...

Flavored Water
I love a nice tall glass of beer or wine at the end of the day. So getting pregnant definitely put a halt to that. It was always frustrating to be around drinking friends or not to have something to sip on at the end of the day. That's when I discovered flavored water. Slicing up fruit and putting it in my water or buying flavored Pellegrino was such a treat. In fact, it is a fun and more healthy habit that I will probably continue. (Coconut water too!)

Black Maternity Tights
This was one of my first maternity clothing purchases and proved to be the best purchase. I splurged on a $45 pair of maternity tights at Kohls and wore them through the whole pregnancy. They were helpful in the awkward transition stage where I didn't look pregnant yet, but nothing else fit. And- I can even wear them past pregnancy with the belly band folded down. I also loved these leggings for exercising and these leggings for wearing with dresses and long sweaters.

Get Fitted For a Bra
This was a game-changer! During month 6 of pregnancy, I decided to get fitted for a bra because my boobs would not stop hurting. I was blown away! I went from a small A-cup to a full-on D-cup. For those first 6-months though, I had been shoving my new (and unbeknownst to me) D-sized boobies into my old A bras thinking that was ok. Getting well-fitting bras changed my life! These were some of my favorite nursing bras.

Floss In my Purse
Pregnant women have more dental problems. My dentist told me this and I quickly realized it for myself after getting a cavity a few months into pregnancy. I started keeping floss in my purse to help get stuff out of my teeth after meals. Now I always have floss on hand and it is so helpful.

Online Prenatal Yoga
This is something I did a few times, but wished I had done more of. There are all sorts of free online videos for prenatal yoga. I think if I had done it more regularly it would have helped with everything.

Coconut Oil For Skin
This tip was actually given to me by a friend. She said to just smear on the coconut oil right out of the jar. It weirded me out at first, but then I got used to it. The coconut oil worked wonders on my winter dry skin which was exaggerated by pregnancy. I also used it on my belly and didn't get any stretch marks.

Week 36+
Start evening primrose oil and drink red raspberry leaf tea for vaginal elasticity. I had a smooth vaginal birth and did not tear, and I personally believe it was because I did these two things.

Postpartum

Compression shorts are the best! They keep everything in and helped me to feel more sturdy and stable if that makes sense at all.

Finally...A Birth Story

Now that I am 8 months past giving birth I finally feel like the trauma is gone! Since giving birth, many of my friends have had babies and I can now confidently say that I think the whole process is beautiful and magical. Looking back at my newly postpartum blog posts, I surely did NOT think anything about having a baby was beautiful. I have finally come around though!

I want to record the birth story of Hazel before it slips my memory too much. I know big parts of it have already dissolved from my memory, and I'm sure Andy would dispute the way I tell the story, but this is my birth story and how I remember it. Be forewarned, I wrote out the long version. :)

I was diagnosed with melanoma just a few weeks before my due date. It was a mole that had spread and become discolored. Luckily we caught it early, so all they would have to do was a minor surgery to remove the mole and a large area around it. The surgeon did not want to perform the surgery until I had delivered my baby though. I passed this news on to my midwife and OB who then consulted a variety of other doctors about this issue. They concluded that it would be best to induce me so that I could have the baby before the melanoma spread or got any worse. I was induced the same day they made that decision. Andy and I had approximately 5 hours to prepare our house and ourselves to welcome a new baby. Eeek!

So it was two and half weeks before my due date that I was induced. I had an appointment early afternoon where my midwife swept my membranes. (Don't ask what that is, because I really don't know.) It was uncomfortable and I actually felt contractions start immediately. She said that might happen. Then I went home to clean the house before heading into the hospital for my actual induction. All afternoon I had light contractions while I cleaned like a crazy person.

At 5pm Andy and I checked into the hospital and I was given Cervadil. I had already been having contractions, but the Cervadil was supposed to ease me into labor even more. That night I slept a few hours through light contractions. I woke around 5am pumped full of adrenaline because I knew we were going to have a baby that day. Unfortunately, my contractions were still very light, so they left the Cervadil in for another 6 hours. Since my labor was light we decided to let a few visitors stop by. We joked about painful labor and had a pretty good time despite my contractions slowly getting stronger. Once all the visitors had left, Andy and I decided to walk laps. We walked and walked and walked around the labor unit! This helped and definitely brought on stronger contractions to the point where I would have to stop walking, grasp the railing on the wall, and moan my way through the contraction. It was quite dramatic!

Around 4pm we went back to the laboring room because walking was too exhausting for me. At that point I bounced on a ball, rolled around the bed, moaned like a banshee, vomited, cried, rolled around the bed some more, and finally I got into the whirlpool. The whirlpool was pure bliss. I was able to relax, but unfortunately that just made my contractions come on even stronger. After an hour they forced me out of the whirlpool to check my progress. I was butt naked, dripping wet, shaking, crying, and moan-yelling. I was a complete mess!! When they checked me I was 6cm...only 6cm after 24 hours. This came as a huge disappointment to me, as I was in the most miserable pain I had ever been in.

 Andy thought this was funny and texted it to all of our friends...he didn't mention it until after I gave birth. (shame on him!)

 

Despite not wanting to get an epidural, I was at my wits end. On a pain scale of 1-10 I was a 12! I didn't know that kind of pain even existed. The pain was so bad that I was shaking uncontrollably and felt like I had zero control of myself. Through shaking and yell-moaning from pain I demanded an epidural. They said the anesthesiologist was with another patient and couldn't come for another 15-20 minutes. That was unacceptable to me. I told the nurse I would die if I had to wait that long, so she hooked me up to IV pain meds. The IV helped, though I just felt like I was high and in pain at the same time...definitely a strange experience.

A funny picture we took while friends were visiting, before my contractions were bad.

Around 6pm the anesthesiologist came in and politely explained the procedure to me while I balled my eyes out and vomited again. I was in immense pain, but I was also scared of getting an epidural. After some more drama from me, I finally sat still and got the epidural. It was a piece of cake and I really didn't feel anything. Very quickly my body numbed, the pain went away, and a feeling of peace flooded my exhausted body. It was like night and day. I fell into a deep sleep. Around 8pm I was 8cm dilated so they broke my water...I didn't feel a thing. Though apparently I pooped myself, lovely. I slept for a few more hours and around 10:45pm I woke up to the midwife checking my progress and saying, "Ohh, you are having this baby right now!"

A flood of nurses came into the room, two giant spotlights were turned on, my feet were placed in stirrups, and we were having a baby! I was not prepared at all. In fact I asked if it absolutely had to happen at that moment, ha. I had been sleeping and was out of it. I felt like I needed a good hour to process what was about to happen, but no such luck, they could already see the head! Everything was very frantic. Andy held my one leg, a nurse held the other, and the midwife was at the base of the bed. My body was still very numb, but I could feel a strange painful pressure in my lower abdomen. They had me hooked up to the monitor to see when my contractions were coming, and it felt like I had a contraction every 30 seconds, no lie. I pushed hard and strong and intensely while everyone yelled at me for a good 15 minutes. (Seriously, it felt like chaos.) Right before the last push I vomited one last time, just for good measure...and then, Hazel was born! Just like that. 11:07pm, 30 hours after my labor had started.

They put Hazel on my chest, but she wasn't crying so they gave her a good shake and sure enough she started wailing. Andy jumped into bed with me and we all had a good cry....and now I can see the beauty and magic in birth. The end. (Or rather beginning.) :)

6-week Postpartum Truths

Photo by Robin Skievaski Photography

Well here I am, 6-weeks after giving birth to our little Hazel. I have had a lot of half written posts in my head, but they have never made it to the computer. This was partially because taking care of a newborn has consumed all of my time, and partially because I had so much to say that I didn't know how to properly organize it. I still don't know how to organize it, but the time has come to try.

I've read a lot of baby blogs, thus a lot of birth stories. I always figured I would follow suit and post my birth story after it happened. Before giving birth, I was really excited to go into labor, experience giving birth, and then tell everyone my magical story. Then it happened. And let me tell you, there was NOTHING magical about it. In fact, it was the most traumatizing event that I have ever experienced. So traumatizing that I don't want to tell my birth story. You might be wondering, wow something serious must have happened. The truth is that nothing serious happened, it was a very average birth. I was just a huge wimp, I lost control, I freaked out, in the end I was extremely traumatized, end of story.

I don't understand how everyone can say that pregnancy is magical, giving birth is magical, newborns are magical...yata yata. Maybe it truly is magical for some people, but not for me. I would be more inclined to use the adjectives uncomfortable, painful, isolating. Before getting pregnant, I was under the illusion that everything involved with having a baby would be beautiful. I was so wrong. I hate to be a downer, but I have not enjoyed any of the process of getting pregnant and having a baby. (Except for feeling her kicks when she was inside me, and feeling like a mother goddess for a total of about one week when I was pregnant.) Overall, it has been hard and isolating.

Maybe I wasn't ready for a baby, maybe I don't do as well with change as I thought I did. Whatever it is, I have struggled. Yes, I wanted to experience pregnancy, I wanted to feel my body grow with life inside it, and then use my incredible body to push that new life out into the world. I did it, I experienced it, and now my life has changed forever. I now have to deal with the challenges of someone else needing me 24 hours a day, loss of independence, loss of body perkiness, loss of social life...I gave all of those up and I am struggling. Yes, I gained a beautiful and healthy daughter, but I have yet to truly appreciate her. So far, she is like a needy pet. She eats, sleeps, poops, and cries. That is my life now. I am trying hard to find joy in the little things, but some days this life change is just all too overwhelming. Thus the journey to motherhood begins!

(Don't get me wrong, this is not postpartum depression, I am just processing the whirlwind that this is. My spirits are upbeat, I am just dealing with change and trying to speak my truth. :)

My Pregnancy Milestones

I have kept track of each little thing that has happened in my pregnancy. I don't want to forget these moments because they were so important and/or special when they happened. I think it will be fun to be able to look back on these milestones in the future.

4-weeks:  Found out I was pregnant

7-weeks:  Officially had morning sickness, officially means I am a pregnant lady. (small victory?)

10-weeks:  First doctors appointment.

12-weeks: Heard the heart beat for the first time. (magical!!)

15-weeks: Felt the first movement. (a flutter and then a tiny kick movement)
15-weeks: Morning sickness has mostly stopped.

16-weeks: It's a GIRL! (had genetic blood testing done, baby is great, sex is female)

18-weeks:  Officially look like I have a small belly...or just fat. (awkward stage)

20-weeks (5 months): Belly popped, I think. (I look pregnant in tight clothes!)

22-weeks: First ultrasound, little girl was lounging with her legs crossed. (So cute!) Her heart, spine, brain, and other organs all looked good. Her growth might be behind by 2-3-weeks though.

23-weeks: Andy and I took a babymoon vacation to Isla Mujeres Mexico. Experienced my first braxton-hicks contractions (in my lower back) on the plane ride back from vacation.

24-weeks: Second ultrasound. Little girl's growth is steady, but she is still measuring small. Saw her sucking on her fingers during the ultrasound. (wow!)

27-weeks: Have a DEFINITE round belly now. I look pregnant in everything I wear. Also wearing maternity clothes full-time now.

30-weeks: Officially have back pain. Also getting no sleep due to discomfort and peeing all the time.
30-weeks: Getting regular braxton-hix contractions now.

32-weeks: Diagnosed with gestational diabetes. (not a happy milestone, but a big enough one to make note of.)

36-weeks: Last ultrasound, she is head-down and ready to go. I am having regular contractions now, especially when I take long walks.

37-weeks: Diagnosed with melanoma on my left eyelid.

38-weeks, 5-days: Induced because of the melanoma, 30 hours of labor, 15 minutes of pushing, gave birth to Hazel who was 6 pounds, 3 ounces, and 18 inches long, with a full head of dark hair.

The Waiting Game...

I had no idea that the end of pregnancy would be so agonizing! At the beginning of my pregnancy I told myself that I would try to enjoy every minute of the journey. That at the end, rather than hoping the baby would come quickly, instead I would live each day fully enjoying the last of my independence before becoming a parent. Well...somehow that idea didn't stick. I am over pregnancy, I just want baby girl to get here. I want my body back. I want to be able to eat and drink what I want. I want to be able to sleep comfortably. Darn it!

Each day that goes by the time ticks SO. SLOWLY. My sister-inlaw gave me some great advice saying that I should treat myself to a little something special each day and plan fun activities to look forward to. I have started to do this, but still, I am impatient. I guess this is just another lesson in life showing me that I need to surrender to what will happen. My baby will come when she is ready and I need to trust that my body knows what it is doing. Somehow this is easier said than done.

On top of all this waiting, my due date was also pushed back. Bah humbug! Seriously, really? The baby's measurements in my ultrasound showed a later due date, so my new due date is now August 2nd. My July baby just became an August baby according to technology. We shall see technology, we shall see!

So...I continue the wait. I continue to get contractions that randomly start and stop. I continue to wake up in the middle of the night to pee only a teaspoon because that seems to be the size of my bladder these days. I continue to speed-waddle around the neighborhood hoping to walk this baby out. I continue to drink so much red raspberry leaf tea that my bowels loosen, all in the hopes of ripening my cervix. I continue to hope and dream about having this baby. Patience, let me learn patience...

Pregnancy, Diabetes, Death of a Friend, & now... Melanoma

A friend of my recently posted this quote by anonymous:

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it is going to launch you into something great. Focus and keep aiming."

Pregnancy, Diabetes, Death of a Friend, AND now Melanoma. REALLY? Just really, I ask? Somehow it is all so much to take in that I just have to laugh. Thank goodness for a positive personality, because otherwise I may just be at the bottom of a lake somewhere...

Getting pregnant was exciting, and while we planned it, we didn't plan for it to happen immediately...like the first time we tried. (I was sure it would take at least 6-months.) So in our not-well-thought-through "planning" we found ourselves pregnant and in the middle of a house renovation.  Through horrible morning sickness, mood swings, and generally disliking being pregnant, I pushed through and we kept working on our house. Luckily, we were able to move into the house in February, and now we are 98% finished with it. We are currently tying up lose ends on the house as I wait to go into labor. We are cutting it close, but it has mostly worked out so I am not complaining. (I just really want air conditioning before the baby comes!)

At about 30-weeks into my pregnancy I was randomly diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I am not in any of the risk groups for getting it, it was just a random, freak diagnosis. Freak diagnosis or not, I have gestational diabetes and it has thrown me for a complete loop. It was weird and scary to get the news and I cried for a whole day. Since then, I have come to terms with it, learned how to take my blood sugar, and now I eat a super clean diet consisting of low carb and low sugar. While I have lost weight at the end of my pregnancy rather than gaining it, I feel healthy and more importantly the baby is healthy. All is well now in my diabetic life.

Just as I got over being pregnant while renovating our house, then got past horrible morning sickness, and adjusted to a diabetic lifestyle, I then had to lay a very close friend to rest. She fought cancer for 3-years and while the end was predictable, it was still horribly sad. It is hard to say goodbye to a friend at such a young age. It has also been extremely hard for me to process her death as I deal with pregnancy, house renovation, and diabetes. Prioritizing what to focus on and what to process when, is becoming increasingly difficult for me.

So to add a cherry on top of this mess-of-a-life-ice-cream sunday...I was just diagnosed with malignant melanoma. (*pause for loud laughter*) It was found in a mole above my left eye. They won't operate until the baby is born, but they are saying that they will have to take the majority of my eyebrow. (The dermatologist said, "plenty of people get tattooed eyebrows!")  Luckily, (which at this point, I'll take any kind of luck) they say that it is only stage-1 so I will not have to follow up with any kind of chemo or radiation. So now I wait for this baby to be born (any day!), so that I can get surgery to remove a chunk of my eyelid and eyebrow, so that hopefully I can be free of skin cancer and get on with my life with a newborn baby.

At this point I find life purely humorous. I no longer know how to process anything. Processing has gone out the window and it has been replaced with joking and laughter. I guess humor is how I deal with things...? Either way, I am focusing on the quote at the top of this page in hoping that even though I have been dragged back in life with these difficulties, hopefully my misfortunes will soon launch me forward into something great. "Focus and keep aiming." (It's ok, it's ok, it's ok)

Pregnancy Update: 36-weeks (1-month to go!)

Here are my 36-week stats: 

Feeling:
I feel great these days...at least during the day. It seems as though the farther I get into this pregnancy, the better I feel. I have great energy and I have been getting a lot of cleaning and organizing done lately. (Could I be nesting??) I don't know if my diet change from having gestational diabetes has any part to do with my feeling great, but whatever it is I'll take it. I do however, have aches and pains when I stop moving. If I sit for too long I get uncomfortable, and in bed at night there is a lot of tossing and turning. I am still not sleeping that well due to having to pee almost once an hour (!) along with being uncomfortable. I am sure it is my body's way of preparing for sleepless nights with the baby. Also, backaches in pregnancy are over talked about. My back doesn't hurt at all, for me it is my ribs and my feet. Ohh the aches! All in all though, I am feeling quite positive and energetic about the end of this pregnancy.

Bump:
The bump has either not grown in the last month, or is growing ever so slowly. I felt like I was getting really big really fast, and then things halted. When I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes they put me on a fairly strict diet and I have actually LOST weight. (whoa there!) I never expected to restrict what I ate during pregnancy let alone lose weight. My midwife doesn't seem concerned though, so I am not going to worry about it. The baby has measured small for my whole pregnancy, so it makes sense that my bump isn't that big. (Right, right? Should I be worried??)

Craving:
Well...my cravings are limited these days since I am on a diabetic diet. I have mostly cut out complex carbs, or anything moderately high in carbs, along with sugar. So that leaves me with veggies, meat, cheese, yogurt and some fruits. The fruits that I am living on (or that I crave, I guess) are cherries and strawberries. I can eat a decent amount of them without making my blood sugar spike, whoop whoop! It's the small things. Occasionally, I will eat salads all day so that I can get ice-cream at the end of the day and not mess up my blood sugar. This whole gestational diabetes thing has become a game really. I am always learning little tricks.

Baby Stats:
Babycenter says the baby is the size of a melon right now. She should weigh about 5 pounds and measure about 20 inches long. Wow! I don't know where my baby fits into those stats though, since she is small for her size. (They are saying that she will probably come LATE since she is so small!) I can feel her regularly throughout the day. The midwife says my uterus is all the way up under my ribs and I don't doubt it because I have gotten some swift kicks from behind the ribs. That's a special feeling let me tell ya... Usually when I sit or lay down is when the baby gets really active. She kicks and moves all over the place. If I lift up my shirt I can often see my belly moving, so crazy.

What about a name?
Everyone asks us if we have a name picked out and what it is. So far we have told everyone everything about the baby and my pregnancy, EXCEPT for the name. We've had a name picked out since we knew she was a girl, but decided not to tell anyone. Well, the weirdest thing happened. I stopped liking the name! How does that happen?! I started saying the name out loud to get used to it and I didn't like it. Just like that. Bah humbug! So now at 36-weeks we are starting from scratch with names. We really have no clue what to name her. Any suggestions? I think we are going to wait until she is born and wing it. Great plan right?

36-week (diabetic friendly) Pregnancy Food:

dill pickle, cherries, whole grain crackers with cheese, hummus with celery

grilled steak, asparagus, 1/2 piece of corn

Letters to a Pregnant Lady

Since getting pregnant I have received a few hand-written/handmade(!) letters from friends. I have found this gesture both surprising and extremely supportive. There is no other time in a woman's life (well, maybe menopause) that she needs solid support from her woman friends, than during pregnancy. I have always thought of pregnancy as a hugely defining time for a woman. You are more woman/feminine when you are with child, than any other time in your life. (In my opinion.)

During pregnancy, the woman's body does what it was made to do, it is real-life working biology. It is so incredible to think about! This real-life working biology can take a toll on the average woman though. Everything is changing: body, emotions, mental state... And really, the only other people that can truly understand this is other women. Yes, men can be empathetic and caring, but they don't truly understand what a woman goes through during pregnancy. Thus, the importance of women friends.

A lot of my pregnancy has felt lonely (especially the beginning). I didn't have any other close friends who were pregnant, and the majority of my friends just had no idea what I was going through. I have actually felt alienated by most of my friends due to not drinking anymore. As time has gone on though, special people have come out of the wood-work of life to show me support. Some of them are moms already, some are just intuitive friends who understand that a pregnant lady needs extra support and attention. Either way, I will take what I can get.

These special people that have reached out to me during such a big change in my life have made it worth all the while. I am sure that when I give birth and see my baby, I will say that she was worth it, but right now my lady friends are what make it worth all the tears, stress, and body changes. They have taught me the importance of woman-support. Not just through checking-in to see how I am or what I need, but through letters, both from near and far friends. Their letters and creative cards have gotten me through some trying times in my pregnancy. I cannot express enough gratitude to those supportive women in my life. They have shown me support, wisdom, and love in such a crazy time of womanhood.

Mother, Woman, Life Goddess! {empowerment that is pregnancy}

It has taken me 8 months to get to this stage, but I think I am finally there. I have fully accepted this pregnancy and I finally feel good about it and my body...well, mostly.

It is interesting to look at my pregnancy and see the stages that I have gone through. First there was shock, then shame, guilt, and secretiveness from keeping the news from close friends until the 3-month-now-you-can-tell-people mark. (Ridiculous!) Then I went through anger and denial. Anger over being so sick and not being able to hang out with friends or participate in holiday festivities. (Or drink a good stout beer.) Denial, because I wasn't showing yet so how could I actually be pregnant for real? Then, I experienced nervous excitement because I started to show a growing baby bump, but that meant that everything was in fact, real. After that came pure depression. It was something that I have experienced in small bouts before, so I sort of recognized it, but only now in hindsight do I really see that it was depression. It came out of nowhere and completely blindsided me for about a month and a half. I don't know why it came on, hormones (?), or maybe the fact that all of a sudden this pregnancy was real and I hadn't fully realized it until then. Either way, it came and then went. (Shew!) So now, for the first time in my pregnancy, I feel good (mentally, emotionally). I have worked so hard to get here, in all aspects, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am in the final stretch and I know that I can do this!

I think it was a necessary process for me to go through all of those stages. This is why women are pregnant for 9 months. (Ah ha!) There is so much processing that goes into making a baby and bringing new life into this world that it can't be done overnight, or in a few weeks. I know that I am not at the end of my processing, but at least I am in a good place.

For the first time in my life I feel like a real woman, mother, and life goddess. My belly is swollen with life, flesh, a beating heart. My body supports my baby's body and together we are one. The baby kicks and I feel comfort. The baby rolls and I feel pure love and joy. Every day I see my round belly growing and feel my baby flutter inside me and I feel confident, empowered. I am a life goddess, I am doing something incredible!

Gestational Diabetes, the horror!

Gestational diabetes...yep, I have it. Lovely eh? When I say that, it feels like I'm saying: "Hi my name is Ellie and I am an unhealthy pregnant lady". I hate it!

First of all, I would like to defend myself. I am not overweight, not over 35 years of age, and diabetes does not run in my family. So how the heck did I get gestational diabetes?! Who knows. The doctors say that it is a hormonal thing and that it's all my placenta's fault. Blame it on the placenta, not the pregnant lady. Apparently the placenta hormones are blocking insulin from being released, therefore my body cannot process sugar and carbs as well as it normally could.

What does all of this mean?

Well, like a typical diabetic I now have to prick my finger 4(!!) times a day to check my blood glucose levels. I have to limit my carb and sugar intake, cut out desserts (what?!), and only eat low carb snacks at certain times of the day. It also means that the baby will have stress testing and I will be monitored more closely from here on out. I guess there is also the possibility of the baby coming early.

How am I taking it?

I had a very hard time when I heard the news. (Let's be real, I cried all day and thought my life was over.) Since getting the initial news though, learning how to prick my finger and test my glucose levels, and getting a little nutrition lesson, I now feel ok. I consider myself a healthy person to begin with, so this diagnosis has really thrown me off. Yes, I like dessert, but not to a diabetic level! Sheesh! More than anything this diagnosis feels like a personal insult.

So here I am, 32-weeks pregnant and with gestational diabetes. I have to put a lot of thought into my meals now, which is probably good, but sometimes it takes more energy than I feel like putting into it. If I thought I ate healthy before, I eat super healthy now. In fact, I am afraid that I may just lose weight. (Now how is that good for the baby??) Either way, I am trying to look at this as a new challenge. Since I have to check my blood glucose levels after every meal it is a challenge for me to eat the proper amount of carbs at each meal. It gives me satisfaction to then check my glucose levels and see that I have done a good job. It's the small things right?

Some of my recent diabetic meals:

grilled steak, sweet mashed potatoes, asparagus

whole grain toast with peanut butter, hard boiled egg, raspberries

light greek yogurt, rice cakes with cheese, tomato, avocado, and strawberries

Ellie-Style (Maternity Black-Tie Wedding)

Back when I was only about 3 months pregnant I started thinking about my dear friends' black-tie wedding that would be taking place when I should be about 30-weeks pregnant. It was a daunting thing to think about because 1.) I wasn't showing yet, 2.) It was so far off, and 3.) I was still feeling like crap and couldn't imagine dressing up for a formal wedding. No matter, I was determined to tackle the issue before it became a last minute scramble before the wedding.

Luckily, my advanced planning paid off! In the early months of my pregnancy I was all about buying maternity clothes on sale from the last season. In the winter, everything from last summer was on super sale, so I got some really good deals and now I have a closet full of maternity summer dresses that I can wear without having ever broken the bank. Once place that I found to have great dress sales was ASOS.com. That is where I found this awesome dress.

The dress was originally $100 something, but I bought it on sale for about $30. (Go me!) When it arrived I tried it on and it did not fit. At only 3-months pregnant I didn't have the belly or boobs to fill it out yet. I kept the dress anyway on the gamble that it would fit by 30-weeks. I tried the dress on one week before the wedding and it fit perfectly! Now I don't know if that is just good luck, or actually amazing planning and foresight.

The wedding was a blast and I received far more complements than I could have ever imagined! (Gay guy friend: "I think you know you look good. Can I just say, your boobs look incredible!") My body has never been this curvaceous, so while it is taking some getting used to, I definitely appreciate the complements. (People know how to make a pregnant lady feel good.) Really though, all the credit goes to this amazing dress that brought out my curves so perfectly.

{Dress is from asos.com, shoes are vera wang from Kohl's, clutch was thrifted, necklace was a gift}

Pregnancy Update: 30-weeks, 3rd trimester (7ish months)

Here are my 7-month stats: 

Feeling:
I am definitely feeling the weight of my belly these days. Until now, I haven't had too many issues and my energy has been great. With the growth of the baby and my belly though, I have begun to be physically tired more quickly. In fact, I was unloading the dishwasher the other night and was out of breath by the time I was finished. (Now that's just ridiculous!) My back also aches now, along with my ribs. Whoa, the rib pain is unreal! I assume my ribs are trying to expand along with the baby and that is causing me a LOT of uncomfortable pain. Sleeping is pretty much a joke at this point...in fact, I welcome the days when the baby is here and at least I can be comfortable in bed while I am sleep deprived. Body comfort is something I don't think I will have again until after the baby is here...ho-hum! I did have an awesome prenatal massage though. It was complete bliss and I definitely plan to get more of those in the following months. I have also started working out again. Ha, yes in my third trimester! I felt well enough to exercise in my second trimester, but didn't make it priority. So now that I have finally gotten around to it, I hope it is not too late. I try to get to the gym at least 3-5 times a week for a good hour of walking on the treadmill and even some light weight lifting. (Go me!) So far, it has been ok. I am slow, but at least I am doing something. Emotionally, I am still all over the place. I have good weeks and bad weeks. I think going to the gym is helping me to balance my emotions though. Yes, the power of exercise!

Bump:
The bump is GROWING. This lady is definitely pregnant, there is no more hiding it! In fact, the comments from strangers have begun. Now that people can see I am obviously pregnant they want to comment. For the most part I don't mind the comments and luckily I haven't had anyone be too grabby or touchy feely with my belly. (Though I don't mind that either. A pregnant belly is definitely something that begs to be rubbed. Even I as a pregnant lady myself, I want to grab every round pregnant belly that I see. So while I've got it, it may as well get the love from everyone else. So touch away, rub my belly for good luck! ...within moderation of course.)

Craving:
My cravings are still short lived. I think pregnancy cravings are a myth. I really haven't had any earth shattering absolute definite cravings this whole pregnancy. Cravings are normal for everyone, I think in pregnancy though, we just tend to satisfy the cravings more often. If any craving were to stand out to me these days it would be cantaloupe. I eat it every day and can't get enough of it. I've also been eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (still), along with fish, quinoa, baked oatmeal, trail mix, clementines, bananas, and salad. I've been eating some giant plates of salad!

Baby Stats:
Babycenter says the baby is the size of a large cauliflower and probably weighs about 3 pounds. She is now able to open and close her eyes and apparently she regularly tastes the amniotic fluid. She is also drinking it and peeing it out on a regular basis so that her organs get a jump start on learning to process liquids and food. The biggest thing for baby girl right now is her brain and fat growth. I also feel her whomping kicks on a regular basis now. If I lay down on my left side she starts kicking right away.

Awkward Dream:
Lately, my dreams have been filled with ex-boyfriends. So weird! The last time I dreamt excessively about ex-boyfriends was right after I got married. I can understand why I drempt of them then, it was my subconscious processing the fact that I was committed to one person for the rest of my life. I am not quite sure what it means this time... Either way, the most recent dream that I had of ex-boyfriends was set in an airport. I was pregnant and with ALL the ex-boyfriends together. One by one I said heartfelt goodbyes (and even kissed them) as they each boarded a separate plane. Once they were all gone I sat in the middle of the airport floor and ate a giant bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. The saying goodbye part as each of them boarded a plan and flew away was quite symbolic, but the spaghetti and meatballs part just has me confused...

30-week Pregnancy Food:

Cantaloupe and honeydew melon with popcorn

Blueberry banana baked oatmeal with cinnamon and almond milk

Quinoa with pesto, parmesean asparagus, and twice baked potatoes (both sweet potatoes and regular)

Chocolate covered frozen banana chunks

Pregnancy Body...aka dreaded weight gain

Image via

Gaining weight in pregnancy is like watching a train wreck. You can see that it is going to happen, then it happens right in front of you, and you are forced to watch it while not being able to do a thing about it. That is precisely how I am feeling about my body these days.

First of all, I should start with yes, yes, I know my body is doing an amazing thing by growing a human being from scratch...but I'm tired of being polite. Creating a baby is an amazing feat, and while my body is totally capable of it, I also feel like it is wrecking me. So there's that. I put the generic "my body is capable" out there and now I am going to tell you how I really feel.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Pregnancy is not for me, I hate it. If I sound like a broken record that's probably because I am. First it was the cramps, then morning sickness, then heartburn...and now it's weight gain. I knew I was going to gain weight, duh I'm growing a baby, but I didn't know that it would make me feel so helpless, discouraged, and frustrated.

I have been healthy and conscious of my weight since high school. While I was a skinny mini in high school and didn't have anything to worry about, I still ate healthy and exercised. In college I grew some little hips and boobs. This was eye opening to me and I began to work out a little more. Since college, I have had fairly healthy habits of eating healthy, exercising, and being conscious of my weight. I am not obsessive, just healthy and really quite average.

For most of my pregnancy I have had little to no weight gain until about a month ago. When I hit month-6 of pregnancy I gained 5 pounds in one week. That started it off. Since then, the weight gain has been steady and it scares the crap out of me. I know it is inevitable that I'll gain weight because my baby needs to grow and become healthy, but at the same time I can't help but dread it. I have never been this heavy in my life! My boobs have gone from A-cup to D-cup and my hips are covered in stretch marks...just in time for bathing suit season too. Oh the horror!

So like I've said, pregnancy weight gain is like watching a train wreck. I am in the midst of the wreck right now and I can't help but feel helpless. Each time I get dressed, a feeling of dread comes over me. I try so hard to enjoy my baby bump and be happy that I my body is creating life, but instead I feel like a fat cow that needs to be put to pasture until this baby comes. There is no fix for this weight gain, it is happening whether I like it or not. All I can think is that at least I get a little baby at the end of it all. (And then I'll work my ass off to get back to my old body so I never have to feel this way again!!!)

Ellie-Style (Maternity)

Dressing for pregnancy has been hard to say the least. Not only do I feel fat and uncomfortable, but nothing seems to look right or fit properly. Getting dressed has been a challenge and usually consists of tights and a sweater (Every.Day.) Hopefully posting outfits here will help me to step it up a bit. Also, I want picture proof of this pregnancy. I want to be able to look back at this crazy journey and see my bump! Here I am at 28-weeks.

Sandals and dress are Target (non-maternity), sweater is TJ Max.

Purse is from a thrift store.

Pregnancy Update: 25-weeks (6 months ish)

Here are my 6-month stats:

Feeling:
Physically I have felt pretty good these days, I've even gotten out and done a bit of hiking. I haven't been sleeping that well though due to back pain. Even though I have a pregnancy pillow, far too many other pillows have been brought in to remedy the situation. I have also been getting heartburn at random times, like after eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or in the middle of the night waking me from sleep. So weird! Luckily, the heartburn isn't an often occurrence. Mentally, I am all over the place. Some days are great, others are horrible. For instance, on Easter I cried probably 5 times throughout the day and just could not get happy. Mild little bouts of depression creep in and out of my days. I know it is hormone related, but it is still something that I am struggling with. I really hope it doesn't turn into postpartum depression once the baby comes.

Bump:
The bump is in full swing of growth right now. Some days I look more round than others, but there is definitely an obvious bump now. I can feel little girl kicking and moving on a regular basis

Craving:
My cravings these days are instant and short lived. I will crave something, eat it, and then not want it again for a while. Among these things have been shrimp, jellybeans, and pop tarts. I am not liking chicken or scrambled eggs much these days. I will eat just about anything else...and a lot of it.

Baby Stats:
The baby is the size of a turnip. According to my latest ultrasound she is weighing roughly 1 pound, 2 ounces. (She's measuring small for her "age", but healthy non the less.) She is supposed to grow 6 ounces a week from here on out. Her ears are nice and developed now, so she can hear most of the sounds going on around me. (How cool!) And she is sucking her fingers. I know this because we saw her doing it during an ultrasound.

Here she is sucking on her fingers during the ultrasound.

 Awkward Moment:
While on a little vacation, Andy and I were walking back to our hotel from dinner and the baby directly kicked my bladder. She kicked the pee right out of me! I totally wet my pants (just a squirt). Luckily we were almost to the hotel so it wasn't too bad of a situation. Definitely a first though.

25-week Pregnancy Food in Pictures:

strawberries with cheddar and parmesan cheese

bang-bang shrimp pasta with zucchini and mushrooms

strawberry ice-cream with a peanut butter cookie

homemade yogurt with honey

Pregnancy: A Lonely Road

Lately I have found pregnancy to be quite lonely and alienating. It probably doesn't help that Andy works out of town 80% of the time, or that none of our friend have kids, or that my body is raging with hormones. These things just add insult to injury.

I am trying SO HARD not to feel bad for myself, but some days I just can't help it. Especially this week. This week was bad. Andy was out of town all week and this weekend, and today is Easter. I find myself sitting here crying over a bowl of cereal (again) as I write this. Everyone is busy doing things with their families or recovering from too much Saturday night drinking, and here I sit lonely as ever.

Pregnancy is just such a weird, strange time of transition. It is going from independence to motherhood. A time full of changes, both physically and emotionally. There is incredible growth happening, once again both physically and emotionally. I spend my days processing this new life inside of me and what it will mean for the rest of my life. My decisions now involve what to eat that will be healthy for the baby inside of me, and when to rest or do something for myself. My thinking is not my own anymore. I am already putting this baby and my body first, so that we have the best possible chance for health and life.

It is hard for me to relate to other people and vice versa because of all these changes occurring. No one else is going through change, everything has stayed the same except for me. I feel like life carries on around me as I sit alone and slowly work through these changes inside of me. It is lonely. Sometimes I wish I could just be the person that I was before this pregnancy and get on with the party, but I can't. My priorities are different now and I feel stuck. I don't know where I fit in. I feel lost and frustrated in a time that I am supposed to be joyously welcoming this new life.

It's A GIRL!

Did I mention that it's a GIRL? Well, we found out and I couldn't be more happy! I desperately hoped it would be a girl, do I am beyond excited that it is. It will be the biggest privilege for me to raise a little girl the way that my mom raised me. I can't wait!

Since we are the first of our close friends to have a baby we decided to be cheesy about it and throw a little gender-reveal party. Our house is still under renovation so we didn't go all out with the party, but having a few friends over on a Sunday afternoon to reveal our baby's sex was definitely fun. We made cupcakes decorated in blue and pink icing with eye lashes and mustaches on them. That was the "theme" of the get together. We had our friends wear pink or blue based on what they thought/hoped it would be. After everyone arrived we ate some snacks and then each person took a turn throwing darts at black balloons. (Idea from this blogger.) Surprisingly, we got through almost all of the balloons without hitting the gender reveal balloon. The second to last balloon to be hit had the pink confetti in it. Everyone cheered and we made a jolly little afternoon of it. It was a fun, low key way to announce the sex of our baby girl. Let the pink and ruffles begin!

Pregnancy Update: week-20 (5 months)

Here are my 5-month stats:

Feeling:
Shew, for the first time in 20 weeks I finally feel like myself! (Most days.) My energy levels are fairly regular, though I still nap here and there, and I am eating normal again. The one main thing that I would say is different this month is my emotional state. I haven't been emotional one bit since getting pregnant until now. When I learned I was pregnant there were no tears, just fear and excitement. When I heard the heart beat the first time, still no tears. Learned the sex of the baby...well maybe 1 tear. I happily watched sappy movies and tv shows and felt no emotion. I was beginning to wonder if I had turned into an ice queen. UNTIL, the last few weeks. Now I am a wreck! I don't know where it came from, but the emotions have swept over me like getting caught in a storm at sea. Some days I can hardly keep my head above water. I cry for no reason! I will also admit (which is hard and I hate acknowledging the fact) that I've had some depression lately. I know it is completely hormonal and it doesn't last more than a day or two at a time, but it is hard to deal with when I fall into that state. Despite feeling mostly normal, I still strongly dislike being pregnant even though my body is doing an amazing thing. I will be happy when my body is done being pregnant.

Bump:
The bump is finally growing! I feel like I went out of town for one weekend and while I was gone I grew a little bump. Well if that's all it took, I should have left town a lot sooner! Hurray for baby bumps! I guess I'll just get bigger from here on out.

Craving:
I haven't really craved anything specific lately. My appetite is coming along fantastically though. I can eat anything again and I am actually hungry now. I have been making hearty soups and pancakes and plenty of baked goods. I also started making homemade yogurt and granola, which I now eat for breakfast every morning. I am still eating a lot of fruit flavored ice-creams. I guess that would be the one main thing that I crave.

What Baby Center says:
The baby is the size of a mango. She (yes, it's a GIRL!) now has finger prints. She is also growing hair and can hiccup and yawn. She is gaining body fat and becoming more active every day. (And I can feel her doing somersaults pretty regularly.)

20-week Pregnancy Food in Pictures:

apple slices, clementine, sharp cheddar cheese, chocolate chip cookie, hard boiled egg

chili with cheddar cheese, club crackers

apple slices, chicken salad sandwich (with capers!), gingersnap cookie, black olives