5-month Postpartum Truths

 

Wow, I haven't written a post like this since I was 6-weeks postpartum! I guess I haven't had time. I also haven't had the head-space to organize my thoughts. I have so many postpartum thoughts these days and this post hardly brushes the surface. Shew-whee, where to begin...

5 months ago I gave birth. I have since forgotten the pain, but there is still trauma. I have to admit though, I am more traumatized by being pregnant than giving birth. The birth came and went in 30 meager hours, done. Pregnancy however, seemed like it lasted half of my life! Thank.goodness.that.is.over!! Despite not being pregnant anymore, I am still horrified by the experience. That just goes to show how sick and uncomfortable I was. I am not a fan of surrendering my body to nine months of uncontrollable reactions and growth.

On to somewhat more pleasant things. Hazel, is a doll. No literally she looks like a doll. It's a good thing she is cute, because she definitely tried our patience those first three months. It is one thing to have a new baby and adjust to a different way of life. It's another story altogether to have a baby with colic...or whatever it is that makes them so cranky all the time. Hazel cried nonstop for the first three months. I often found myself crying along with her because I didn't know what else to do. We were/are regulars at the pediatrician's office, everyone knows us by name now because we were there (no-kidding) every other day for the first month, then twice a week after that. Only at month-three did we finally start tapering the visits to every other week. Most of Hazel's problems had to do with "colic", low weight gain, and breastfeeding, but I'll write another post about that later.

With Andy out of town for work most weeks and Hazel's nonstop crying, I was worn pretty ragged those first few months. I survived on showers at 2am, 1-minute breaks sitting on the back porch with the sun in my face, long cries into my coffee, granola bars, and netflix. I tell you, single/solo parenting is HARD. I don't wish it on anyone. If you know a single mom, or one whose husband works long hours (or out of town), help a mama out! I don't mean ask if she wants help, just show up and help. (I'm not gonna lie, I could have used a lot more help...I was just too proud to ask for it.)

So now that we are past the I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing-and-my-baby-won't-stop-crying phase, things finally feel good. Hazel is a completely different baby than she was those first few months. She laughs and smiles and we like each other. We are starting to get into some sort of routine and my anxiety about getting out of the house is almost all gone. Life is still challenging and I am often frustrated with my loss of independence (especially when Andy is not around to give me a break), but all in all I feel better about being a mom. It is crazy how much a little human can change your life. I love my child, but I truly don't understand how people can do this over and over again with multiple children. Mad respect to them! One-and-done will be my story. :)

Motherhood is Humbling

 

Yep, motherhood is humbling. Never before have I contradicted myself so much or been proven wrong time and time again. I went into this parenthood-gig with perfect ideals, saying I will 'never' do this or that...and then it came down to survival and I did just that thing I said I wouldn't do. I am learning, slowly but surely. There is usually a consistent feeling of guilt, especially when mentioning these things to other parents, but I am trying to get past that. We need to not guilt each other as parents, but support and lift each other up. So here are some of the things that have humbled me, these are my truths and realities:

-I use formula. *gasp!* Something that I always thought was the devil. When boobs aren't working though, and baby isn't thriving or gaining weight, you do what you need to do.

-I have and use cloth diapers (fuzzi bunz), but I really prefer the disposables. Cloth diapers seem like such a great idea. They really do save money at the end of the day and are a much cleaner option for the environment, but they are such a HASSLE. I do laundry every two days, they don't wick the moisture away from her as good as the disposables, they are more prone to leaking, I have to change them more often...and the list goes on. Each time I use a cloth diaper I quietly and guiltily tell myself this will be the last time.

-Even though I am not working I put my baby in daycare. *Another gasp!* "But you have the privilege of staying at home and spending the whole day with your beautiful child!" Yes, it may be a fantastic privilege that I don't have to go back to work, but mama needs a break. Especially when papa is out of town all week. Yes, I felt guilty at first, but then I started getting things done and taking care of myself and the guilt faded away. I love my child, but I can't spend every waking hour of my life with her or I will go crazy. (side note: she's only in daycare two days a week)

-I have always loathed those super colorful, eyesore floor gyms that babies can lay under. (see picture at top of page) Yeah...we have one of those now and she loves it.

-Before having a baby I swore we would only have natural wooden toys. Nope- we definitely have plastic toys covered in all the colors of the rainbow now.

-I like a good schedule and planned to put Hazel on a schedule right out of the womb, that didn't happen. She's almost 5 months old and we still don't have any type of schedule. Each day is different and that is fine.

-I promised myself that I wouldn't litter facebook and instagram with baby photos, but some days she is just so damn cute that I can't help myself!

-I always figured we would co-sleep. Andy and I even bought a bigger bed so that she could sleep in it with us. She sleeps in the crib though. I just can't sleep with her in bed. I tried and tried, but something in me would not turn off when she was in the bed. Now that she sleeps in the crib my body is able to shut off and I can sleep soundly! (Not a single bit of guilt there!)

-Before having a baby my dog was my baby. Now, I can't stand him! He smells, he barks, he annoys the crap out of me. I feel incredibly guilty that I don't love him anymore, but that's the reality of it. I am not openly trying to find another home for him, but I'm not going to deny that if someone wanted him I would totally give him away. (*Edit 5-months later: I am back to loving him, thank goodness!)

These are my truths. I have some guilt, but I also feel relief in areas. I am humbled everyday and life with a baby is definitely not what I expected it to be, but that's ok.

My Pregnancy Milestones

I have kept track of each little thing that has happened in my pregnancy. I don't want to forget these moments because they were so important and/or special when they happened. I think it will be fun to be able to look back on these milestones in the future.

4-weeks:  Found out I was pregnant

7-weeks:  Officially had morning sickness, officially means I am a pregnant lady. (small victory?)

10-weeks:  First doctors appointment.

12-weeks: Heard the heart beat for the first time. (magical!!)

15-weeks: Felt the first movement. (a flutter and then a tiny kick movement)
15-weeks: Morning sickness has mostly stopped.

16-weeks: It's a GIRL! (had genetic blood testing done, baby is great, sex is female)

18-weeks:  Officially look like I have a small belly...or just fat. (awkward stage)

20-weeks (5 months): Belly popped, I think. (I look pregnant in tight clothes!)

22-weeks: First ultrasound, little girl was lounging with her legs crossed. (So cute!) Her heart, spine, brain, and other organs all looked good. Her growth might be behind by 2-3-weeks though.

23-weeks: Andy and I took a babymoon vacation to Isla Mujeres Mexico. Experienced my first braxton-hicks contractions (in my lower back) on the plane ride back from vacation.

24-weeks: Second ultrasound. Little girl's growth is steady, but she is still measuring small. Saw her sucking on her fingers during the ultrasound. (wow!)

27-weeks: Have a DEFINITE round belly now. I look pregnant in everything I wear. Also wearing maternity clothes full-time now.

30-weeks: Officially have back pain. Also getting no sleep due to discomfort and peeing all the time.
30-weeks: Getting regular braxton-hix contractions now.

32-weeks: Diagnosed with gestational diabetes. (not a happy milestone, but a big enough one to make note of.)

36-weeks: Last ultrasound, she is head-down and ready to go. I am having regular contractions now, especially when I take long walks.

37-weeks: Diagnosed with melanoma on my left eyelid.

38-weeks, 5-days: Induced because of the melanoma, 30 hours of labor, 15 minutes of pushing, gave birth to Hazel who was 6 pounds, 3 ounces, and 18 inches long, with a full head of dark hair.

It is hard to make a baby when you are angry

After almost 5 years of marriage Andy and I have decided to embark on the great adventure that is baby making. There have been talks and trys before, followed by fears and stops, but this time is for real.

Since we decided that this time is for real I got a little more serious about my follow-through. I have armed myself with a few handy tools such as a fertility app on my phone and a handy dandy little thermometer that I keep next to the bed. I have diligently been tracking my basal body temperature (along with other fertility signs) in my app. After entering daily information, my app is supposed to tell me when I am most likely to be fertile. Amazing, no? (App is Ovia for iphone)

So on those 6 something fertile days that my body supposedly has, I figured it would be best to have as much sex as I can. Why not, right? Unfortunately, rather than just jumping on Andy, I proceeded to explain to him (very scientifically) all about my hormones, fertility, fertility tracking, and the importance of having a lot of sex on specific days. Surprisingly, he did not take that very well.

While Andy was thrilled at the possibility of daily sex, he was not, however, thrilled that it would be planned, documented, and pushed by a schedule. But I had a tight shift to keep, so sexy time was had...as dictated by my schedule of course.

The first few days went fine, but then things went down hill. Andy was no longer excited about my schedule. He held out on me, no sex, he was tired. This obviously put a kink in my plan and I quickly became agitated and annoyed. Our conversations led to fights and despite being SO angry, I felt that we NEEDED to stick with my fertility schedule. This baby wasn't going to make itself after all!

So we fought and I pushed. Let's just say that it is very hard to make a baby when you are angry. Alas, I am learning from my amateur baby-making mistakes. While making a baby is a precise and scientific thing, it should be fun. Now I know! Future tries will be less "scheduled". :)

Quotes from Andy so far (I love him!):
-Pointing to my belly, "swim little spermies, swim!"
-Head on my belly, "are you there yet?"
-In response to daily sex, "no more, 'it' is tired."