Complications of Motherhood

This blog post is being written as a procrastination to writing a literary analysis on Hamlet for a literature class I am taking right now. How is it that whenever I have a lot to do, I end up doing none of the important stuff, and instead, find my way back to things like this blog? I am going to blame it on my unruly mind.

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. Motherhood, life, and depression have consumed me. I have lacked creativity, drive, and passion. That is something that I hoped I would never say. Creativity, drive, and passion have always been the core of my being, so to be without those has been like wandering in a cold, dry desert. To my recent realization though, this is quite normal for moms! How did I not know this?! Probably because people don't talk about it. Admitting that you are struggling is one of the hardest things to say.

There is a lot of talk about postpartum depression and even postpartum anxiety (I struggled with this), but there doesn't seem to be much talk of general motherhood depression. Maybe it is just a known fact? Maybe I am naive to these things? It is interesting though, because the more brave I get about mentioning my depression to people, the more I hear other moms saying the exact same thing! I had no idea that so many people I know are on medication, or in therapy. I will admit to being one of those people now. In fact, going to therapy has helped me realize all of this, and has given me the strength to speak up. I am struggling. There, I said it.

My child is over 2 1/2  years old, so I figured I would have things figured out by now. I don't. In fact, I feel more lost than ever. In the beginning of motherhood I felt like I had lost my identity due to life being centered around my child rather than myself. I got used to that and I grew into the new "normal" for my life. Somewhere along the way though, I started descending. Down, down, down. All of a sudden I felt like I had no purpose. My child is no longer a needy baby. She can dress herself and feed herself. So where does that put me? All of a sudden I needed a new purpose, but I have struggled to find it.

Upon mentioning this struggle for purpose to other people, I have realized that I am not the only one. A LOT of mom's struggle with this. Some go back to work, but struggle with their new role as mom and professional. Some stay at home and have more kids, but I've heard from friends that this just delays their need to find purpose. Then, there are some like me, who are at home part time, and then part time trying to figure out what the next step in life is. I cannot be a stay-at-home-mom, I just don't have what it takes. But, I also don't have a career. This puts me into limbo, thus the down, down, down.

As spring comes though, I feel a newness in the air. Spring for me has always felt like a fresh start. What will I make of this spring? How can I simplify my life and dig myself out of this deep, desert-like ditch? I honestly don't know, but I do know that writing this here and talking about my struggle helps. So here's to speaking my truth and helping others speak their truths too. As moms, lets start these conversations and make them ok things to talk about. Let's help each other get into therapy and take meds if need-be. Nothing is wrong with that. We need to remember that taking care of ourselves is necessary and important.

One year of Motherhood!

Photo credit: Robin Skievaski Photography

It is blowing my mind that I have been a mom for a whole year now! It is true what they say, that time flies when you have children/child. No other year in my life has flown by as fast. It has been a year of adjusting, learning, stressing, and growing. I have learned so much about myself this year. I can honestly say that Hazel has changed me, and for the better. I would never be who I am today if I had not had her.

Some things that I have learned in my first year of Motherhood:

Anxiety is real
I knew about anxiety and that I had it well before having a baby. (My story here.) BUT, anxiety became real in my every day life after having a baby, unlike it ever was before. Everyone talks about postpartum depression, but no one really talks about postpartum anxiety. I was prepared for depression. In fact, I had experienced a little pregnancy depression so I was on high alert for postpartum depression. It never hit though, instead, anxiety crept in and took over my life. I was so anxious that I struggled to leave the house for the first five months. Anxiety is SO REAL, and can be extremely debilitating.

Women friendships are huge
I feel so lucky to have given birth in my hometown. I had the support of childhood girlfriends, college girlfriends, and newer girlfriends from the last few years. The women in my life have been incredible and have shown me just how important it is to support each other. From meals, to long conversations, to rocking my screaming baby, to late night texting, to helping me get out of the house, to inviting me over for wine, I appreciate all of my women friendships 10x more now. I honestly could not have survived this first year without them.

Support is important
Yeah yeah, this one is a given, BUT REALLY, support from friends and family was/is so important. I was horrible at asking for help in the beginning, but I am getting better at it. What I am learning is that people want to help, it makes them feel good to help. So why not let them? They say it takes a village to raise a child and that is so true. I am happy to have our friends be such a big part of Hazel's and our life.

"Me" time is necessary
I'm not going to lie, I loooove "me" time. This was something that I worried about before having Hazel. The older I get, the more happy I am to do things by myself. In fact, it brings me joy and gives me energy to spend time on my own without other people. After having Hazel, my life was ruled by a baby hanging off of me that needed me 24/7. I quickly realized that in order to stay sane I would need to make time for me. It started slowly with 10 minutes here, then 30 minutes there, then an hour, a few hours, finally a whole day at daycare. I felt and still feel guilty about putting Hazel in daycare since she doesn't need to be there, but I am a better person for it. It allows me the much needed "me" time (even if I am just doing laundry and running errands) to regenerate energy, and it allows her time to be social and play with other kids. So really, "me" time is a win win situation for both Hazel and me.

Spouse admiration
This one is huge, whoa baby! I've known Andy since I was 13, and while we have both changed a lot through the years, I figured I knew everything about him. Not true though, I had no idea how he would be with a baby, but he has exceeded my expectations! I am learning just how great of a father he is. I love to hear him tell Hazel stories in different voices and rock her to sleep, I love that he airplane's her food to her mouth and plays with her toys. When I see Andy caring for Hazel and loving her it makes my heart grow for him in ways that I didn't think possible. Now more than ever, he is my partner and best friend. We are in this together and we are figuring out how to be good parents and how to support and love each other through it.

Flexibility is key 
Soo...I thought I was a pretty flexible person before having a baby, but I am discovering that is not so true after all. I am learning that I had a lot of expectations in my head about how having a baby would be. Then, things didn't go as planned (ahem, breastfeeding) and I fought the flow of things to the point of stressing myself out. So, now I am learning to go with the flow and be more flexible. Things will not always go as planned and in that case I just need to accept the change and move on or make adjustments. This is a work in progress. :)

Love is a learned thing
Being on facebook often, I see people announce the birth of their child by saying that they are already "so in love". This was not the case for me. Yes, I loved my baby, but I was not "in love" with her. In fact, I was not even attached to her. I had no problem handing her over to someone else for minutes or even hours. I also never worried about her until more recently. It was a huge concern to me that I was not "in love" with my daughter, but I learned that over time love grows. Despite the crying, the long nights, the frustration, I slowly began to love my daughter more and more. At about the 6-month mark I was happily (and finally) in love with my child. And that love just keeps on growing as our relationship as mother and daughter grows. I feel like our attachment is healthy and real, it just needed time.

Change is real
This is also a work in progress. Having a baby was the LARGEST life change that I have ever experienced. It was more of a change than I think I was ready for, but ready or not it happened. In a very naive way I figured life would go back to normal after Hazel was born. I figured my body would go back to normal, my social life would go back to normal, and I would just haul this little baby along in my normal life. NOPE, wrong. My body will never be the same again. While I have lost most of the baby weight, I am softer than before. This is a change that takes some getting used to. :) And as for social life, well that is constantly changing. When Hazel was a tiny baby we had about 1-2 hour increments to be social before she broke down and all hell let lose. As she gets older we have more time to be social, but now we work around nap and bed times. Going to restaurants is becoming difficult because she likes to throw food and make a huge mess. So I am learning that life with a baby (now toddler) is just constantly changing. As soon as we develop a routine it is changed because of teething or crawling or this or that. Bottom line, having a child means CONSTANT change.

All of these things I have learned and will continue to learn as I grow in Motherhood. But really, what a gift it is to be a mother!

Glimpses of Myself

My biggest fear with having a baby was losing myself. Before getting pregnant I repeatedly heard from new moms that they didn't know who they were anymore, and that they had lost any personal interests. While I tried to understand them, I had difficulty because I have always been very sure of myself and who I am. The idea that having a baby would change everything, even ME seemed so foreign. Well...I get it now!

For the last 7-months my life has been filled with everything all consuming baby. I expected this. I just didn't realize that I would not have time for myself in all of the baby craziness. Or that when I was given opportunity for me-time I would rather spend it just sitting and staring at a wall not thinking about anything. Lately though, I have been carving out little bits of intentional time just for me to be creative. If I have heard any parenting advice loud and clearly, it has been to take care of yourself so that you can better take care of your baby. This is SO TRUE.

The more time I make specifically just for me, the more energized, positive, and creative I feel. It is exciting to have creative juices flow through my veins again. I am a creative person, so to be without creativity, or time for it, makes me feel stifled and unmotivated. A few weeks ago I took a walk through the woods at our local arboretum and stumbled upon a rock labyrinth. I walked it and let my mind wander. It was the most wonderful thing! Since then, I have been in creative project mode. I have all sorts of ideas bursting forth and I have even completed some of them already!

It is exciting to see these glimpses of me coming back. I had a baby, but she is not my whole life. I am my own person, with my own ideas and aspirations outside of my child and husband. It may have taken me 7 months postpartum to act on that, but I am glad to have gotten here. Like I said, the best advice given to me about having a baby was to make time to take care of myself. I am, and it feels so GOOD!

Here's a funky little short film that I just made as part of re-discovering my creativity.

A Breastfeeding Story

This is a story that I have tried to sit down and write numerous times. Each time it is too painful to get anything down, so I have successfully pushed it aside until now. It is a story about pain in my heart, guilt, and shame. I wasn't even going to write this story, but I feel that I should so that it can be a support to others who have had/are having the same issues.

Before giving birth...no, before even getting pregnant, I knew I would breastfeed. To me, breastfeeding was the most natural, beautiful thing that a mother and her new baby could do together. I dreamt about it and couldn't wait until I was able to breastfeed my own baby someday. When I got pregnant I was sick and uncomfortable and unsure about giving birth, but more than anything I was excited about breastfeeding. I was sure that breastfeeding was where I would find joy in this whole process of having a baby.

After giving birth they placed Hazel on my bare chest. I asked the nurse if I should try to breastfeed and she said "no, wait until the baby finds your breast and she will nurse on her own time". An hour passed and Hazel had not found her way to my breast. They took her to clean her, weigh her, get her vitals etc., then she came back to me and I put her to my breast. Nothing happened. All of the beauty and magic that I believed would surround Hazel and me during our first time breastfeeding was not there. With each try to get her to latch, then each fail, my heart broke.

Over the next few days in the hospital I continued to try to breastfeed Hazel. I had a variety of lactation specialists come in and help me. They said I had flat nipples, so I was given a nipple shield. That helped, but Hazel's latch wasn't very good and my milk wasn't coming in as quickly as I thought it would.

We took our new baby home and promptly had an appointment with the pediatrician. Hazel had lost about a pound since being born (down to 5 pounds!) and needed to gain weight. My milk still had not come in. I was given instructions to drink dark beer, take fenugreek, drink mother's milk tea, use brewers yeast in cooking etc. I tried it all...still, my milk didn't come in. Hazel was not gaining weight and screamed day and night, probably due to hunger.

Breastfeeding was becoming frustrating. Where was the magic, the feel-good-feelings, the bonding? None of that was happening. I was taken over with sadness and stress by the whole situation. We were at the pediatrician every other day weighing Hazel and trying to get her to feed properly so that my milk would come in. She was diagnosed with a tongue AND lip tie. We had the tongue-tie corrected and that helped with her latch, but she still was not nursing well. She would cry at my breast, then I would cry. My days were filled with trying to breastfeeding, then pumping about a 1/2 ounce, repeat...all-day-long.

After a month of very little weight gain for Hazel, my milk STILL not fully in, an emotionally drained me, and a very cranky baby, we resorted to formula. When I began to supplement breastfeeding with formula, Hazel started to gain weight. She didn't stop crying, but she was gaining weight. I had overwhelming feelings of guilt giving her formula, but at the same time relief because she was gaining weight. All the while I was still trying to increase my supply in the hopes that Hazel would exclusively breastfeed.

At month-two Hazel's weight was still very low. She was gaining, but not enough. So the pediatrician and I went back to the drawing board. I took Hazel to the hospital for lab work, it came back fine. The pediatrician suspected a milk allergy so I cut out all dairy from my diet and we changed her formula to a hypoallergenic brand. Finally, finally Hazel's weight gain picked up and she started crying less. Over the next month Hazel had packed on a few pounds and wasn't crying at all anymore. It truly felt like a miracle!

Through this whole process though, what little milk supply I had tanked. I started with very little supply which has slowly gone down to just a few drops. Hazel is 95% fed on hypoallergenic formula. She uses my breast mostly as comfort once a day, sometimes none. I am happy that she is fed, growing, and content now, but I still feel pangs of guilt and sadness that it is not my body feeding her. We have not been able to have the breastfeeding relationship that I so desperately hoped for. The only way I am getting through this is by telling myself that she is getting fed and that is what's important.

So here I am, five months after giving birth, mourning something that I never really had. I had hoped breastfeeding would be the joy that I was seeking in this whole process of having a baby, but it has been the opposite. I have never felt so hopeless, stressed, and sad about anything else in my life as I have felt about breastfeeding. And that, is my breastfeeding story. It may be the biggest heartbreak of my life thus far.

5-month Postpartum Truths

 

Wow, I haven't written a post like this since I was 6-weeks postpartum! I guess I haven't had time. I also haven't had the head-space to organize my thoughts. I have so many postpartum thoughts these days and this post hardly brushes the surface. Shew-whee, where to begin...

5 months ago I gave birth. I have since forgotten the pain, but there is still trauma. I have to admit though, I am more traumatized by being pregnant than giving birth. The birth came and went in 30 meager hours, done. Pregnancy however, seemed like it lasted half of my life! Thank.goodness.that.is.over!! Despite not being pregnant anymore, I am still horrified by the experience. That just goes to show how sick and uncomfortable I was. I am not a fan of surrendering my body to nine months of uncontrollable reactions and growth.

On to somewhat more pleasant things. Hazel, is a doll. No literally she looks like a doll. It's a good thing she is cute, because she definitely tried our patience those first three months. It is one thing to have a new baby and adjust to a different way of life. It's another story altogether to have a baby with colic...or whatever it is that makes them so cranky all the time. Hazel cried nonstop for the first three months. I often found myself crying along with her because I didn't know what else to do. We were/are regulars at the pediatrician's office, everyone knows us by name now because we were there (no-kidding) every other day for the first month, then twice a week after that. Only at month-three did we finally start tapering the visits to every other week. Most of Hazel's problems had to do with "colic", low weight gain, and breastfeeding, but I'll write another post about that later.

With Andy out of town for work most weeks and Hazel's nonstop crying, I was worn pretty ragged those first few months. I survived on showers at 2am, 1-minute breaks sitting on the back porch with the sun in my face, long cries into my coffee, granola bars, and netflix. I tell you, single/solo parenting is HARD. I don't wish it on anyone. If you know a single mom, or one whose husband works long hours (or out of town), help a mama out! I don't mean ask if she wants help, just show up and help. (I'm not gonna lie, I could have used a lot more help...I was just too proud to ask for it.)

So now that we are past the I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing-and-my-baby-won't-stop-crying phase, things finally feel good. Hazel is a completely different baby than she was those first few months. She laughs and smiles and we like each other. We are starting to get into some sort of routine and my anxiety about getting out of the house is almost all gone. Life is still challenging and I am often frustrated with my loss of independence (especially when Andy is not around to give me a break), but all in all I feel better about being a mom. It is crazy how much a little human can change your life. I love my child, but I truly don't understand how people can do this over and over again with multiple children. Mad respect to them! One-and-done will be my story. :)

Motherhood is Humbling

 

Yep, motherhood is humbling. Never before have I contradicted myself so much or been proven wrong time and time again. I went into this parenthood-gig with perfect ideals, saying I will 'never' do this or that...and then it came down to survival and I did just that thing I said I wouldn't do. I am learning, slowly but surely. There is usually a consistent feeling of guilt, especially when mentioning these things to other parents, but I am trying to get past that. We need to not guilt each other as parents, but support and lift each other up. So here are some of the things that have humbled me, these are my truths and realities:

-I use formula. *gasp!* Something that I always thought was the devil. When boobs aren't working though, and baby isn't thriving or gaining weight, you do what you need to do.

-I have and use cloth diapers (fuzzi bunz), but I really prefer the disposables. Cloth diapers seem like such a great idea. They really do save money at the end of the day and are a much cleaner option for the environment, but they are such a HASSLE. I do laundry every two days, they don't wick the moisture away from her as good as the disposables, they are more prone to leaking, I have to change them more often...and the list goes on. Each time I use a cloth diaper I quietly and guiltily tell myself this will be the last time.

-Even though I am not working I put my baby in daycare. *Another gasp!* "But you have the privilege of staying at home and spending the whole day with your beautiful child!" Yes, it may be a fantastic privilege that I don't have to go back to work, but mama needs a break. Especially when papa is out of town all week. Yes, I felt guilty at first, but then I started getting things done and taking care of myself and the guilt faded away. I love my child, but I can't spend every waking hour of my life with her or I will go crazy. (side note: she's only in daycare two days a week)

-I have always loathed those super colorful, eyesore floor gyms that babies can lay under. (see picture at top of page) Yeah...we have one of those now and she loves it.

-Before having a baby I swore we would only have natural wooden toys. Nope- we definitely have plastic toys covered in all the colors of the rainbow now.

-I like a good schedule and planned to put Hazel on a schedule right out of the womb, that didn't happen. She's almost 5 months old and we still don't have any type of schedule. Each day is different and that is fine.

-I promised myself that I wouldn't litter facebook and instagram with baby photos, but some days she is just so damn cute that I can't help myself!

-I always figured we would co-sleep. Andy and I even bought a bigger bed so that she could sleep in it with us. She sleeps in the crib though. I just can't sleep with her in bed. I tried and tried, but something in me would not turn off when she was in the bed. Now that she sleeps in the crib my body is able to shut off and I can sleep soundly! (Not a single bit of guilt there!)

-Before having a baby my dog was my baby. Now, I can't stand him! He smells, he barks, he annoys the crap out of me. I feel incredibly guilty that I don't love him anymore, but that's the reality of it. I am not openly trying to find another home for him, but I'm not going to deny that if someone wanted him I would totally give him away. (*Edit 5-months later: I am back to loving him, thank goodness!)

These are my truths. I have some guilt, but I also feel relief in areas. I am humbled everyday and life with a baby is definitely not what I expected it to be, but that's ok.

The real look of motherhood

My friend Mike just wrote about FOMO (fear of missing out) and how in our social media driven world we only post about the cool parts of our lives. His point was how we post the best parts of our lives to feel cooler than other people posting about the awesome things that they are doing. It is a vicious cycle. You are guilty of it, your hairdresser is guilty of it, and I am definitely guilty of it.

As a new mother I want to showcase how cute my baby is and what a perfect life we live. My daughter has a head full of hair and is pretty much adorable. I probably take upwards of 20 pictures of her a day. (I know!!) Then I scrutinize over which photo is the best to post. ...All the while struggling to breastfeed and dealing with a colicky baby who screams all day. But you don't see that part. You see the cute baby picture, or the "happy" mom on an adventure with her new baby picture.

Another thing I have been partaking in as a new mother is the posting of my baby's monthly milestones. This includes her weight, development progress, likes, and dislikes. I just finished posting my baby's 2-month stats and got to thinking that maybe I should do a milestones post for myself as a new mother, to measure how far I've come. Not a pretty post, but a real look at the beginning progress of motherhood. All of the attention is on the baby's progress, but what about poor mom? She is growing, learning, and progressing too.

So here is my non-FOMO post of REAL motherhood month by month. 

(My hope is to do all 12 months of my first year being a mom.)

Month-1

 Month-1 Outtakes:

Month-2

 Month-2 Outtakes:

Month-3

 Month-3 Outtakes:

  Month-4

Month-4 Outtakes:

Month-5

 Month-5 Outtakes: 

 Month-6

Month-6 Outtakes: 

Month-7

Month-7 Outtakes

Month-8

Month-8 Outtakes

Month-9

Month-9 Outtakes

Month-10

Month-10 Outtakes

 Month-11

Month-11 Outtakes

Month-12!! (Yay!)

Month-12 Outtakes