A Breastfeeding Story

This is a story that I have tried to sit down and write numerous times. Each time it is too painful to get anything down, so I have successfully pushed it aside until now. It is a story about pain in my heart, guilt, and shame. I wasn't even going to write this story, but I feel that I should so that it can be a support to others who have had/are having the same issues.

Before giving birth...no, before even getting pregnant, I knew I would breastfeed. To me, breastfeeding was the most natural, beautiful thing that a mother and her new baby could do together. I dreamt about it and couldn't wait until I was able to breastfeed my own baby someday. When I got pregnant I was sick and uncomfortable and unsure about giving birth, but more than anything I was excited about breastfeeding. I was sure that breastfeeding was where I would find joy in this whole process of having a baby.

After giving birth they placed Hazel on my bare chest. I asked the nurse if I should try to breastfeed and she said "no, wait until the baby finds your breast and she will nurse on her own time". An hour passed and Hazel had not found her way to my breast. They took her to clean her, weigh her, get her vitals etc., then she came back to me and I put her to my breast. Nothing happened. All of the beauty and magic that I believed would surround Hazel and me during our first time breastfeeding was not there. With each try to get her to latch, then each fail, my heart broke.

Over the next few days in the hospital I continued to try to breastfeed Hazel. I had a variety of lactation specialists come in and help me. They said I had flat nipples, so I was given a nipple shield. That helped, but Hazel's latch wasn't very good and my milk wasn't coming in as quickly as I thought it would.

We took our new baby home and promptly had an appointment with the pediatrician. Hazel had lost about a pound since being born (down to 5 pounds!) and needed to gain weight. My milk still had not come in. I was given instructions to drink dark beer, take fenugreek, drink mother's milk tea, use brewers yeast in cooking etc. I tried it all...still, my milk didn't come in. Hazel was not gaining weight and screamed day and night, probably due to hunger.

Breastfeeding was becoming frustrating. Where was the magic, the feel-good-feelings, the bonding? None of that was happening. I was taken over with sadness and stress by the whole situation. We were at the pediatrician every other day weighing Hazel and trying to get her to feed properly so that my milk would come in. She was diagnosed with a tongue AND lip tie. We had the tongue-tie corrected and that helped with her latch, but she still was not nursing well. She would cry at my breast, then I would cry. My days were filled with trying to breastfeeding, then pumping about a 1/2 ounce, repeat...all-day-long.

After a month of very little weight gain for Hazel, my milk STILL not fully in, an emotionally drained me, and a very cranky baby, we resorted to formula. When I began to supplement breastfeeding with formula, Hazel started to gain weight. She didn't stop crying, but she was gaining weight. I had overwhelming feelings of guilt giving her formula, but at the same time relief because she was gaining weight. All the while I was still trying to increase my supply in the hopes that Hazel would exclusively breastfeed.

At month-two Hazel's weight was still very low. She was gaining, but not enough. So the pediatrician and I went back to the drawing board. I took Hazel to the hospital for lab work, it came back fine. The pediatrician suspected a milk allergy so I cut out all dairy from my diet and we changed her formula to a hypoallergenic brand. Finally, finally Hazel's weight gain picked up and she started crying less. Over the next month Hazel had packed on a few pounds and wasn't crying at all anymore. It truly felt like a miracle!

Through this whole process though, what little milk supply I had tanked. I started with very little supply which has slowly gone down to just a few drops. Hazel is 95% fed on hypoallergenic formula. She uses my breast mostly as comfort once a day, sometimes none. I am happy that she is fed, growing, and content now, but I still feel pangs of guilt and sadness that it is not my body feeding her. We have not been able to have the breastfeeding relationship that I so desperately hoped for. The only way I am getting through this is by telling myself that she is getting fed and that is what's important.

So here I am, five months after giving birth, mourning something that I never really had. I had hoped breastfeeding would be the joy that I was seeking in this whole process of having a baby, but it has been the opposite. I have never felt so hopeless, stressed, and sad about anything else in my life as I have felt about breastfeeding. And that, is my breastfeeding story. It may be the biggest heartbreak of my life thus far.

What people don't tell you about having a baby

Just about every blogger that I've read who has had a baby does that one post about "what people don't tell you about giving birth and having a baby". Well...here is my version. (Obviously, I'm sure this is different for everyone though.)

You won't use anything in your hospital bag
I packed a great, yet simple hospital bag and STILL didn't use anything in it. I packed snacks, my computer, some cute/comfy outfits (and a robe) for after giving birth, my toiletries, some pads and diapers, and a few outfits and bows for the baby. Then, I didn't even open my bag. When I got to the hospital I wore their gown, ate their snacks, and was in too much pain for any kind of entertainment. After giving birth, they provided me with disposable underwear (awesome!) and pads along with with ice-packs that I could put in the pad (super awesome), and a clean hospital gown. They clothed and wrapped the baby and gave her a hat. The only time I used anything from my bag was when I took a shower the second day in the hospital. I used my toiletries and some sweatpants and tshirt. Then, when we left the hospital we put the baby into a onsie that I had packed. That was all I used, there was no point in bringing anything else.

Breastfeeding may NOT come naturally
No one told me that breastfeeding doesn't happen naturally and that it is in fact hard work. Yeah, I was told about getting a proper latch and the possibility of pain and discomfort the first few weeks, but nothing about hard work. After I delivered and the baby was on my chest I figured she would latch immediately and our mother-daughter breastfeeding bond would be set for life. Boy was I wrong! She did not latch after birth, nor did she latch an hour after birth, or even later that evening, or the next day! Turns out, some babies don't know what to do. It also turns out that I have flat nipples. (Who knew?!) Since giving birth, I have been fighting an uphill battle to naturally nurse my baby. It has been some of the hardest, most stressful, non-bonding or magical work I have ever done.

Peeing yourself is common
The day I came home from the hospital something weird happened. I had been sitting on the couch for about two hours when I felt the urge to pee. I got up to go to the bathroom and a whole bunch of warm liquid came out. Luckily, I was wearing a gorilla-sized pad so I didn't wet my clothes. My first thought was that I had hemorrhaged blood. My 10 second walk (waddle) to the bathroom was pretty horrifying as I envisioned my pants FULL of blood. When I looked though, it was clear liquid that had come out. I had, in fact, peed myself! This same thing happened about 2 other times in that first week home from the hospital.

You may not actually have to give birth to the afterbirth
After I gave birth I fully expected to push out my placenta. In fact, I prided myself on knowing this would happen. Well, it never happened. I laid in bed holding my newborn, while glancing down waiting for them to tell me to push out the placenta. About 10 minutes after my daughter had been on my chest I looked down and there was my placenta! I never pushed it out, instead, they massaged it out. How wonderful, one less thing I had to do!

Epidurals are a breeze
24 hours into my labor I had reached number 10 on the 1-10 pain scale. I couldn't take it anymore and opted for an epidural. At that point I was so spent physically, mentally, and emotionally. When the anesthesiologist came to give me the epidural I cried like a baby. I was more scared of a needle in my spine than of giving birth. I almost changed my mind I was so scared. My husband, a nurse, and the midwife held my hands and comforted me while the anesthesiologist calmly walked me through the procedure. When it was all said and done I realized that I had WAY overreacted and that getting the epidural was really painless and simple. Getting it was the best decision I could have made.

Birth = fantastic skin
Now this may just be me, but after I gave birth I had the best skin I have ever had. My complexion was soft, lustrous, and model-esque. My face was truly like a baby's bottom. I don't know why exactly this happened, but I am thinking it may have had something to do with all the fluids they were pushing through my IV with the epidural. Either way, it was a fantastic bonus side effect from giving birth. (One week later and I am back to my regular skin, boo.)

Breastfeeding makes you want to eat ALL the food
I was never very hungry during pregnancy. I kept expecting to feel an intense hunger come over me due to growing a baby, but that never happened. In fact, I probably ate less during my pregnancy than I would have normally eaten. After delivering and starting to breastfeed though, I have become ravenous! Like eat ALL the food kind of ravenous. I had no idea this kind of hunger could come over me. 2am feedings end with a trip to the fridge so I can satisfy my insatiable hunger. I eat often and I eat large. It is like a teenage boy has overtaken my body!