Glimpses of Myself

My biggest fear with having a baby was losing myself. Before getting pregnant I repeatedly heard from new moms that they didn't know who they were anymore, and that they had lost any personal interests. While I tried to understand them, I had difficulty because I have always been very sure of myself and who I am. The idea that having a baby would change everything, even ME seemed so foreign. Well...I get it now!

For the last 7-months my life has been filled with everything all consuming baby. I expected this. I just didn't realize that I would not have time for myself in all of the baby craziness. Or that when I was given opportunity for me-time I would rather spend it just sitting and staring at a wall not thinking about anything. Lately though, I have been carving out little bits of intentional time just for me to be creative. If I have heard any parenting advice loud and clearly, it has been to take care of yourself so that you can better take care of your baby. This is SO TRUE.

The more time I make specifically just for me, the more energized, positive, and creative I feel. It is exciting to have creative juices flow through my veins again. I am a creative person, so to be without creativity, or time for it, makes me feel stifled and unmotivated. A few weeks ago I took a walk through the woods at our local arboretum and stumbled upon a rock labyrinth. I walked it and let my mind wander. It was the most wonderful thing! Since then, I have been in creative project mode. I have all sorts of ideas bursting forth and I have even completed some of them already!

It is exciting to see these glimpses of me coming back. I had a baby, but she is not my whole life. I am my own person, with my own ideas and aspirations outside of my child and husband. It may have taken me 7 months postpartum to act on that, but I am glad to have gotten here. Like I said, the best advice given to me about having a baby was to make time to take care of myself. I am, and it feels so GOOD!

Here's a funky little short film that I just made as part of re-discovering my creativity.

5-month Postpartum Truths

 

Wow, I haven't written a post like this since I was 6-weeks postpartum! I guess I haven't had time. I also haven't had the head-space to organize my thoughts. I have so many postpartum thoughts these days and this post hardly brushes the surface. Shew-whee, where to begin...

5 months ago I gave birth. I have since forgotten the pain, but there is still trauma. I have to admit though, I am more traumatized by being pregnant than giving birth. The birth came and went in 30 meager hours, done. Pregnancy however, seemed like it lasted half of my life! Thank.goodness.that.is.over!! Despite not being pregnant anymore, I am still horrified by the experience. That just goes to show how sick and uncomfortable I was. I am not a fan of surrendering my body to nine months of uncontrollable reactions and growth.

On to somewhat more pleasant things. Hazel, is a doll. No literally she looks like a doll. It's a good thing she is cute, because she definitely tried our patience those first three months. It is one thing to have a new baby and adjust to a different way of life. It's another story altogether to have a baby with colic...or whatever it is that makes them so cranky all the time. Hazel cried nonstop for the first three months. I often found myself crying along with her because I didn't know what else to do. We were/are regulars at the pediatrician's office, everyone knows us by name now because we were there (no-kidding) every other day for the first month, then twice a week after that. Only at month-three did we finally start tapering the visits to every other week. Most of Hazel's problems had to do with "colic", low weight gain, and breastfeeding, but I'll write another post about that later.

With Andy out of town for work most weeks and Hazel's nonstop crying, I was worn pretty ragged those first few months. I survived on showers at 2am, 1-minute breaks sitting on the back porch with the sun in my face, long cries into my coffee, granola bars, and netflix. I tell you, single/solo parenting is HARD. I don't wish it on anyone. If you know a single mom, or one whose husband works long hours (or out of town), help a mama out! I don't mean ask if she wants help, just show up and help. (I'm not gonna lie, I could have used a lot more help...I was just too proud to ask for it.)

So now that we are past the I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing-and-my-baby-won't-stop-crying phase, things finally feel good. Hazel is a completely different baby than she was those first few months. She laughs and smiles and we like each other. We are starting to get into some sort of routine and my anxiety about getting out of the house is almost all gone. Life is still challenging and I am often frustrated with my loss of independence (especially when Andy is not around to give me a break), but all in all I feel better about being a mom. It is crazy how much a little human can change your life. I love my child, but I truly don't understand how people can do this over and over again with multiple children. Mad respect to them! One-and-done will be my story. :)