Millennial Motherhood

A while ago a friend of mine posted an article about why millennials are refusing to have kids and I read it, enjoyed it, and agreed with a lot of it. What I didn't agree with though, was the part where they said:

"Not all women are preprogrammed with maternal instincts."

You see, I WAS pre-programmed with maternal instincts. My dolls were my babies growing up, my younger brother was my baby growing up, and at a ripe young age of probably 6 I remember begging my mom to have more babies so that I could take care of them. Yep, that was me. Obviously I grew out of that baby obsession long enough to make it through high school and college, plus 6 years of marriage, but that was as long as I could last.

When I turned 30 I could take it no more, the urge to procreate was strong and I finally gave in. I had a baby for selfish reasons, curious reasons, and biological reasons. It all seemed like a happy-go-lucky great idea at the time. That was well before the reality of blow out diapers, colic, breastfeeding struggles, sleep depravation, body exhaustion, toddler messes, screaming tantrums, etc...had time to take root in my life. Well...I've had a good solid year and a half of those things and I am drained! Exhausted. Pooped.

I was sure that the maternal instinct that I mentioned above would make it IMPOSSIBLE to stop having babies. I was convinced that I'd have one and that would fan my fire to have more and more. I'd start a whole farm with the fruits of my loins! Before having a child I could see it well and clear, Andy and me, and our house full of children all happily and peacefully running around while we had tons of creative energy.

These days the story is very different! I am so thankful that times have changed and I, in fact, do NOT need (or want) to have any more children, (despite the occasional baby-fever.) Like the Millennials article mentions, times have changed and children are no longer needed for populating the earth and helping to farm the family land.

My maternal and biological instinct does not need to rule my life. I can rule my life and make the decisions that are best for ME. And I am realizing/have realized just how draining children are. I love my child, but she drains me. Any creative, healthy energy that I have is absorbed by taking care of her. She has taken over my life. It is exciting to see her grow and develop, but along the way I can't help but feel like I am losing myself. Where have my hopes and dreams and creativity gone? What about my social life and career aspirations? This millennial mother is exhausted!

Baby Fever...ugh!

Hazel at 6-days old. Photo by Robin Skievaski 

I have been avoiding writing this post because in my last post I declared to the world that "one is enough". That I only plan to have one child, that Andy's and my decision was well thought out (it was/is), and that I would never change my mind. Well...this is a grand lesson in Never-Say-Never!

After having Hazel, I couldn't understand how people had more children after their first. I was overwhelmed, my whole life changed, I didn't like the change, and I surely would never put myself in that situation again. I was quite happy with that thought until more recently. I cannot pinpoint what has changed, but I have this growing desire to add to my family. (And have like 5 more children!) Why...how...why?!

Despite an uncomfortable pregnancy, gestational diabetes, melanoma at the end of my pregnancy, being induced, 30 hours of labor, difficulty breastfeeding which resulted in formula feeding after 5 months, stress stress and MORE stress, sleepless nights, change in lifestyle, body-image issues, postpartum anxiety, solo-parenting...and the list goes on. So despite all of these things in addition to having a needy toddler, I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN! What?! How is that even possible?!

This cannot be me, something must have taken over my body. Why yes, something has taken over: hormones and biology. I've felt it before, twice in fact. Once when I was about 22 years old, and then again when Hazel was conceived. The urge to have a baby was overwhelming and took over my whole being. Luckily, I got over it the first time because I knew there was a lot that I wanted to do in my life without a child tagging along. The second time I obviously gave in because Hazel was created. But this third time is stumping me... I thought by having a child I had satisfied the biological urges and drives in my body. Not true though. Now that my body has done it once, it has this NEED to do it again. I can actually feel the need coursing through my veins. It is hard to explain, but that is what I have been feeling the last few months.

So...how to remedy this biological urge?? Well, seeing as Andy has had a vasectomy my options are limited. The whole purpose of a vasectomy was to prevent ourselves from having a second child, because WE ONLY WANTED ONE CHILD. So there's that. But- there are still options! Options enough that I am considering them!!! Seriously, I don't know how to handle this because my brain is saying, "No, you don't want to do this again, it will be hard and stressful, AGAIN!". But my body is saying, "Yessss, do it! Have another baby. You will feel gooood!" I could just ignore it all, and resolve that my baby making days are over...but the agony!

So this is baby fever, and my predicament. What an age we live in that we get to make these decisions for ourselves.