Millennial Motherhood

A while ago a friend of mine posted an article about why millennials are refusing to have kids and I read it, enjoyed it, and agreed with a lot of it. What I didn't agree with though, was the part where they said:

"Not all women are preprogrammed with maternal instincts."

You see, I WAS pre-programmed with maternal instincts. My dolls were my babies growing up, my younger brother was my baby growing up, and at a ripe young age of probably 6 I remember begging my mom to have more babies so that I could take care of them. Yep, that was me. Obviously I grew out of that baby obsession long enough to make it through high school and college, plus 6 years of marriage, but that was as long as I could last.

When I turned 30 I could take it no more, the urge to procreate was strong and I finally gave in. I had a baby for selfish reasons, curious reasons, and biological reasons. It all seemed like a happy-go-lucky great idea at the time. That was well before the reality of blow out diapers, colic, breastfeeding struggles, sleep depravation, body exhaustion, toddler messes, screaming tantrums, etc...had time to take root in my life. Well...I've had a good solid year and a half of those things and I am drained! Exhausted. Pooped.

I was sure that the maternal instinct that I mentioned above would make it IMPOSSIBLE to stop having babies. I was convinced that I'd have one and that would fan my fire to have more and more. I'd start a whole farm with the fruits of my loins! Before having a child I could see it well and clear, Andy and me, and our house full of children all happily and peacefully running around while we had tons of creative energy.

These days the story is very different! I am so thankful that times have changed and I, in fact, do NOT need (or want) to have any more children, (despite the occasional baby-fever.) Like the Millennials article mentions, times have changed and children are no longer needed for populating the earth and helping to farm the family land.

My maternal and biological instinct does not need to rule my life. I can rule my life and make the decisions that are best for ME. And I am realizing/have realized just how draining children are. I love my child, but she drains me. Any creative, healthy energy that I have is absorbed by taking care of her. She has taken over my life. It is exciting to see her grow and develop, but along the way I can't help but feel like I am losing myself. Where have my hopes and dreams and creativity gone? What about my social life and career aspirations? This millennial mother is exhausted!

When one is enough

Photo by Robin Skievaski Photography

Last week I had my annual gyn exam. My midwife asked what birth control I was using, and when I said "none" she looked at me surprised and concerned. Then, I proceeded to tell her that my husband had gotten a vasectomy and thus, I did not need any type of birth control. She continued to look at me surprised and concerned, then paused and slowly said, "well, I respect your decision".

"I respect your decision" was the professional thing to say, but it was frustrating for me when that comment was followed by pauses and concerned looks. No one says that when you say you are pregnant again! I am tired of defending this decision that Andy and I have made to not have any more children. Why can't we be happy for people who make responsible decisions?
"So you've decided not to have any children? Congrats, I'm so happy that you know what is right for you."
"So you've decided that one child is enough? How fantastic that you can make that decision and act on it responsibly."

Yes, we only want one child. One child is enough when we still have goals, dreams, and aspirations for ourselves. One child is enough when the trauma of pregnancy, childbirth, and bringing a newborn home is something that you never want to experience again. One child is enough if you've suffered from debilitating postpartum anxiety. One child is enough when you have a great community of like-minded friends who don't judge you for it. One child is enough when you want to be able to offer your child greater opportunities, rather than stretching the finances across multiple children. One child is enough if that is the decision that you want to make.

I am happy with our decision. I have not and will not regret it. Sure, there have been moments holding another persons baby where I think I could do it again, but I have made a decision NOT to do it again, and I am happy to stand by that. Please respect that. Don't judge me, don't feel bad for me, don't feel bad for my child. We chose to have one child, a vasectomy, and made a responsible family planning decision. We should be applauded because we are making decisions and being responsible about it.

Here's to responsible family planning, no matter what that means to you. I applaud you, for whatever decisions that you have made regarding your body and your family. Let us not judge, but be happy for each other!