|Hazel at 6-days old. Photo by Robin Skievaski|
I have been avoiding writing this post because in my last post I declared to the world that "one is enough". That I only plan to have one child, that Andy's and my decision was well thought out (it was/is), and that I would never change my mind. Well...this is a grand lesson in Never-Say-Never!
After having Hazel, I couldn't understand how people had more children after their first. I was overwhelmed, my whole life changed, I didn't like the change, and I surely would never put myself in that situation again. I was quite happy with that thought until more recently. I cannot pinpoint what has changed, but I have this growing desire to add to my family. (And have like 5 more children!) Why...how...why?!
Despite an uncomfortable pregnancy, gestational diabetes, melanoma at the end of my pregnancy, being induced, 30 hours of labor, difficulty breastfeeding which resulted in formula feeding after 5 months, stress stress and MORE stress, sleepless nights, change in lifestyle, body-image issues, postpartum anxiety, solo-parenting...and the list goes on. So despite all of these things in addition to having a needy toddler, I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN! What?! How is that even possible?!
This cannot be me, something must have taken over my body. Why yes, something has taken over: hormones and biology. I've felt it before, twice in fact. Once when I was about 22 years old, and then again when Hazel was conceived. The urge to have a baby was overwhelming and took over my whole being. Luckily, I got over it the first time because I knew there was a lot that I wanted to do in my life without a child tagging along. The second time I obviously gave in because Hazel was created. But this third time is stumping me... I thought by having a child I had satisfied the biological urges and drives in my body. Not true though. Now that my body has done it once, it has this NEED to do it again. I can actually feel the need coursing through my veins. It is hard to explain, but that is what I have been feeling the last few months.
So...how to remedy this biological urge?? Well, seeing as Andy has had a vasectomy my options are limited. The whole purpose of a vasectomy was to prevent ourselves from having a second child, because WE ONLY WANTED ONE CHILD. So there's that. But- there are still options! Options enough that I am considering them!!! Seriously, I don't know how to handle this because my brain is saying, "No, you don't want to do this again, it will be hard and stressful, AGAIN!". But my body is saying, "Yessss, do it! Have another baby. You will feel gooood!" I could just ignore it all, and resolve that my baby making days are over...but the agony!
So this is baby fever, and my predicament. What an age we live in that we get to make these decisions for ourselves.