Millennial Motherhood

A while ago a friend of mine posted an article about why millennials are refusing to have kids and I read it, enjoyed it, and agreed with a lot of it. What I didn't agree with though, was the part where they said:

"Not all women are preprogrammed with maternal instincts."

You see, I WAS pre-programmed with maternal instincts. My dolls were my babies growing up, my younger brother was my baby growing up, and at a ripe young age of probably 6 I remember begging my mom to have more babies so that I could take care of them. Yep, that was me. Obviously I grew out of that baby obsession long enough to make it through high school and college, plus 6 years of marriage, but that was as long as I could last.

When I turned 30 I could take it no more, the urge to procreate was strong and I finally gave in. I had a baby for selfish reasons, curious reasons, and biological reasons. It all seemed like a happy-go-lucky great idea at the time. That was well before the reality of blow out diapers, colic, breastfeeding struggles, sleep depravation, body exhaustion, toddler messes, screaming tantrums, etc...had time to take root in my life. Well...I've had a good solid year and a half of those things and I am drained! Exhausted. Pooped.

I was sure that the maternal instinct that I mentioned above would make it IMPOSSIBLE to stop having babies. I was convinced that I'd have one and that would fan my fire to have more and more. I'd start a whole farm with the fruits of my loins! Before having a child I could see it well and clear, Andy and me, and our house full of children all happily and peacefully running around while we had tons of creative energy.

These days the story is very different! I am so thankful that times have changed and I, in fact, do NOT need (or want) to have any more children, (despite the occasional baby-fever.) Like the Millennials article mentions, times have changed and children are no longer needed for populating the earth and helping to farm the family land.

My maternal and biological instinct does not need to rule my life. I can rule my life and make the decisions that are best for ME. And I am realizing/have realized just how draining children are. I love my child, but she drains me. Any creative, healthy energy that I have is absorbed by taking care of her. She has taken over my life. It is exciting to see her grow and develop, but along the way I can't help but feel like I am losing myself. Where have my hopes and dreams and creativity gone? What about my social life and career aspirations? This millennial mother is exhausted!

Baby Talk...how do you know you are ready for babies?

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Oh my, the baby talk has begun in our household. (eeks!) Or rather, Andy has been bringing up the subject nonstop. In fact, he has been announcing to the world that he wants babies. I feel like the embarrassed apologetic parent trying to hush him up before anyone hears, or we make a scene. Yes, it is that bad. (Let it be known, Andy is my husband, not my child.)

When Andy and I got married over 3 years ago we both wanted kids. With all of the excitement and love that marriage brought, we decided that we wanted to have kids right away. (So glad that didn't happen!) We didn't use any birth control for the first 6 months of marriage. We weren't trying, but we weren't not trying, if you get what I mean. Nothing happened after 6 months, and by then we had gotten our senses back about us and decided that we needed to be on birth control asap. Since then, we have been blissfully child free and thoughtless of children. In fact, we even went through a year long phase of just not wanting children at all, ever.

It seems things have changed now...at least for Andy. I'm sure the fact that his younger brother and wife are about to have a baby is a huge contribution to the way Andy is acting. In 9 months Andy has gone from being completely against children, to wanting his own immediately. It is hard for me to grasp all of this in such a short amount of time. Usually I am the one to adapt to life changes more quickly, but in this case I am not. I am quite happy living life without being at the beck and call of a little rug-rat. (As cute as the child may be.)

It feels like the more Andy wants children, the less I want them. Does that even make sense? I have wanted to have babies most of my life until now. In fact, when I was about 22 years old, my ovaries ached for a baby so bad that some days I wanted to go hump the first man that I saw, all for the sake of procreating. (I'm telling you, I was a crazed hormonal woman!) Things have changed since then though. Could my hormones be depleting? Or maybe I have no more eggs left, therefore I don't feel the need to procreate? Or maybe I read too many baby blogs and only take away the bad things rather than the good things. Who knows, I certainly don't! Someone get me a shot of tequila, maybe that will help.

I do know that things are going really well with Andy and me. In fact, things are great! We have moved to a new place and are getting adjusted. I would hate to throw a baby into the mix right now. Our weekends are filled with non-baby adventures and our weeks are beginning to settle into a nice routine. We also don't have an established community here yet, and quite honestly we've been too busy adventuring that we haven't even tried to find one. Am I silly to think that we should have a community of people around us before having a child? Because that is the #1 thing on my list of things to be in place before having children. At the rate that Andy and I move and change jobs, we may never be in one place long enough to have a baby. This is all just my opinion though. There are two of us in this marriage, so I can't be the only one calling the shots.

How did you know it was the right time to have a baby? Did it feel right? I really just have no idea...

Adoption vs. having your own child...and we hear from Andy

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Adoption vs. having our own child has been the latest topic of conversation between Andy and myself these days. Growing up in another country as a missionary kid I have seen a lot of poverty along with sick hungry children. Most of the time, the community would take care of these children whether they were orphans or not, but in the back of my mind I knew this was not the case everywhere. Even as a child, I wanted to take these children in as my own. (Early maternal instincts I guess.) At some point in my childhood, I made a mental note that I'd like to adopt in the future.

Andy feels the opposite of me. (Go figure!) He brings the conversation down to the gene level. (A typical guy.) He was so kind to write in my blog and give his own view:


*I have a difficult time preparing for kids.  I enjoy the adventure of life and pursuit of my own selfish passions.  Children to me are a burden, who may bring great joy to the lives of people who have them, but at the same time hinder individual pursuit of greatness and self-discovery.  That is where I start the discussion of kids.  

I will start off by saying the American culture of adoption does bring benefit to the lives of individual children who may have been orphaned or inadequately coddled.  However, I get concerned by the unknown nature of adoption.  What about family history?  Why were the parents unable to care for the child?  Why were the parents unable to make good decisions when having this child?  These questions concern me when culturally, dating and marriage are used as tools of societal natural selection.  I have chosen a partner, based on her intelligence, beauty, and success to create a child which should carry the strengths of my partner and I into future generations.  If we choose adoption, then I feel I should have the opportunity in choosing my lineage with the same scrutiny as I have chosen my partner. 

So I did some research. I looked up statistics for adopted children, both from the US and from other countries. The statistics that I found showed that adopted children did just as well in school and social situations as biological children, no matter their background. In quite a few studies they actually did better. So take that Andy! He is still not convinced.

I think when it comes down to it, Andy wants his/our children to have his genes and know that the child actually came from us. To him, that may feel more real. I, on the other hand, am perfectly fine adopting a baby or young child and calling it my own. I don't feel the need to carry the child in my womb for 9 months (giving it my genes) and birth it out to be able to say it is my child. If I can do some good in this world by adopting and giving a clean, healthy, loving home to a child without my genes, then that's what I want to do. (And yes, I know there comes the added work of an adopted child.)

So the discussion will continue... Andy and I aren't ready for children just yet, but the conversations have started. We may talk circles around this forever and never have children because we can't agree, who knows.

What about you? What are your views on adoption vs. having your own child? Or genes? How did you decide?

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