Dealing with Baby Weight...

Bear with me while I rant about my weight...Or, skip to the bottom of the page for some humor.

I have been keeping track of my postpartum progress including the physical, mental/emotional aspects, and I seem to be improving everywhere except for the weight loss category. I am five months postpartum and something has got to give! My pregnancy weight gain was only 20 pounds, and while that isn't much, I haven't lost a single pound of it. About 1-week after giving birth I had lost half the weight and felt great. I was even doing yoga and taking walks around the neighborhood. Five weeks after giving birth though, I had gained all the pregnancy weight back. I am completely baffled by it! Why on earth am I still the same weight as I was at 9-months pregnant?! I guess I'll blame it on hormones, stress, less sleep...etc?

People like to say, "don't be so hard on yourself, you just had a baby", or "the weight will come off, just give it time", or "it took 9-months to put the weight on so it will take 9-months for it to come off". While I appreciate people being positive and supportive, those comments don't help. Instead, why don't you tell me about a great workout program, or a diet pill that works, maybe give me some healthy recipes to try, heck- why don't you just cook me a healthy meal? Unfortunately, those things are not happening, so it is in my hands to deal with this.

I am tired of not fitting into any of my clothes, I am tired of aches and pains most likely caused by extra weight that my body is not used to, and I am tired of feeling bad about my body. Before I got pregnant I loved my body, even the flaws. In fact, I really didn't care that much about how I looked. I felt good, and my clothes fit, so I was happy with my body. End of story. Now though, I am having body image feelings that I haven't had before! These are feelings that I can't turn off. I know that I grew a whole human and then pushed her out, but somehow in my head that doesn't justify the body that I currently have. It isn't so much the lumps and bumps that bother me, but the size that I am. It is a size I have never been and I don't like it! And my breasts...don't even get me started. I fear I may never see perky breasts again!

So now that I have gotten all my whining out of the way, here's what I am going to do about it. I am going to lose the weight! Maybe it will take me all of the 9-months, maybe it won't. I am tired of sitting on the sidelines "being a mom" and waiting for my body to go back to normal. This blog post is a motivation for me to get to work on losing the baby weight. It is my hope that by you reading it I will be held accountable to lose the weight.

Now for some humor...

A few days ago I went to the gym (go me!) and I jogged(!!) for the first time since having a baby and gaining 20 pounds. Let me tell you, I am not a runner. I struggle to run. I dislike running. However, I was invited to a "run 100 miles this year" group, so I joined and I started. Yikes, it was interesting... Let me just say, my breasts are currently NOT built for running...neither is my butt. I never could have dreamed that I would be one of those women jogging with bouncing boobs practically hitting me in the face. (Is that even possible?) Talk about uncomfortable. I may look into duck taping my bra before the next running attempt. But it wasn't just my boobs, it was my butt too!! Never, NEVER, have I felt my butt cheeks flop around while jogging! It was a strange sensation. At first, I thought it was my t-shirt hitting the backs of my legs. After a few shirt adjustments I quickly realized it was not a wardrobe malfunction, it was MY BUTT CHEEKS flopping around! Can you imagine the horror? No really? Never have I imagined such a sensation! I almost stopped right then and there, just got off the treadmill and walked away pretending like it never happened. -But I didn't! I ran the mile, and then walked a second mile after that.

So all of this to say: I had a baby, my body isn't the same, but I'm going to do something about it. If it takes flopping butt cheeks and bouncing boobs to get there, then so be it.

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Edit: A few months later and I finally found something that worked for losing the baby weight. I feel amazing and have lost 18 pounds, not to mention I am SO much more healthy now. Check out my story here.

A Breastfeeding Story

This is a story that I have tried to sit down and write numerous times. Each time it is too painful to get anything down, so I have successfully pushed it aside until now. It is a story about pain in my heart, guilt, and shame. I wasn't even going to write this story, but I feel that I should so that it can be a support to others who have had/are having the same issues.

Before giving birth...no, before even getting pregnant, I knew I would breastfeed. To me, breastfeeding was the most natural, beautiful thing that a mother and her new baby could do together. I dreamt about it and couldn't wait until I was able to breastfeed my own baby someday. When I got pregnant I was sick and uncomfortable and unsure about giving birth, but more than anything I was excited about breastfeeding. I was sure that breastfeeding was where I would find joy in this whole process of having a baby.

After giving birth they placed Hazel on my bare chest. I asked the nurse if I should try to breastfeed and she said "no, wait until the baby finds your breast and she will nurse on her own time". An hour passed and Hazel had not found her way to my breast. They took her to clean her, weigh her, get her vitals etc., then she came back to me and I put her to my breast. Nothing happened. All of the beauty and magic that I believed would surround Hazel and me during our first time breastfeeding was not there. With each try to get her to latch, then each fail, my heart broke.

Over the next few days in the hospital I continued to try to breastfeed Hazel. I had a variety of lactation specialists come in and help me. They said I had flat nipples, so I was given a nipple shield. That helped, but Hazel's latch wasn't very good and my milk wasn't coming in as quickly as I thought it would.

We took our new baby home and promptly had an appointment with the pediatrician. Hazel had lost about a pound since being born (down to 5 pounds!) and needed to gain weight. My milk still had not come in. I was given instructions to drink dark beer, take fenugreek, drink mother's milk tea, use brewers yeast in cooking etc. I tried it all...still, my milk didn't come in. Hazel was not gaining weight and screamed day and night, probably due to hunger.

Breastfeeding was becoming frustrating. Where was the magic, the feel-good-feelings, the bonding? None of that was happening. I was taken over with sadness and stress by the whole situation. We were at the pediatrician every other day weighing Hazel and trying to get her to feed properly so that my milk would come in. She was diagnosed with a tongue AND lip tie. We had the tongue-tie corrected and that helped with her latch, but she still was not nursing well. She would cry at my breast, then I would cry. My days were filled with trying to breastfeeding, then pumping about a 1/2 ounce, repeat...all-day-long.

After a month of very little weight gain for Hazel, my milk STILL not fully in, an emotionally drained me, and a very cranky baby, we resorted to formula. When I began to supplement breastfeeding with formula, Hazel started to gain weight. She didn't stop crying, but she was gaining weight. I had overwhelming feelings of guilt giving her formula, but at the same time relief because she was gaining weight. All the while I was still trying to increase my supply in the hopes that Hazel would exclusively breastfeed.

At month-two Hazel's weight was still very low. She was gaining, but not enough. So the pediatrician and I went back to the drawing board. I took Hazel to the hospital for lab work, it came back fine. The pediatrician suspected a milk allergy so I cut out all dairy from my diet and we changed her formula to a hypoallergenic brand. Finally, finally Hazel's weight gain picked up and she started crying less. Over the next month Hazel had packed on a few pounds and wasn't crying at all anymore. It truly felt like a miracle!

Through this whole process though, what little milk supply I had tanked. I started with very little supply which has slowly gone down to just a few drops. Hazel is 95% fed on hypoallergenic formula. She uses my breast mostly as comfort once a day, sometimes none. I am happy that she is fed, growing, and content now, but I still feel pangs of guilt and sadness that it is not my body feeding her. We have not been able to have the breastfeeding relationship that I so desperately hoped for. The only way I am getting through this is by telling myself that she is getting fed and that is what's important.

So here I am, five months after giving birth, mourning something that I never really had. I had hoped breastfeeding would be the joy that I was seeking in this whole process of having a baby, but it has been the opposite. I have never felt so hopeless, stressed, and sad about anything else in my life as I have felt about breastfeeding. And that, is my breastfeeding story. It may be the biggest heartbreak of my life thus far.

5-month Postpartum Truths

 

Wow, I haven't written a post like this since I was 6-weeks postpartum! I guess I haven't had time. I also haven't had the head-space to organize my thoughts. I have so many postpartum thoughts these days and this post hardly brushes the surface. Shew-whee, where to begin...

5 months ago I gave birth. I have since forgotten the pain, but there is still trauma. I have to admit though, I am more traumatized by being pregnant than giving birth. The birth came and went in 30 meager hours, done. Pregnancy however, seemed like it lasted half of my life! Thank.goodness.that.is.over!! Despite not being pregnant anymore, I am still horrified by the experience. That just goes to show how sick and uncomfortable I was. I am not a fan of surrendering my body to nine months of uncontrollable reactions and growth.

On to somewhat more pleasant things. Hazel, is a doll. No literally she looks like a doll. It's a good thing she is cute, because she definitely tried our patience those first three months. It is one thing to have a new baby and adjust to a different way of life. It's another story altogether to have a baby with colic...or whatever it is that makes them so cranky all the time. Hazel cried nonstop for the first three months. I often found myself crying along with her because I didn't know what else to do. We were/are regulars at the pediatrician's office, everyone knows us by name now because we were there (no-kidding) every other day for the first month, then twice a week after that. Only at month-three did we finally start tapering the visits to every other week. Most of Hazel's problems had to do with "colic", low weight gain, and breastfeeding, but I'll write another post about that later.

With Andy out of town for work most weeks and Hazel's nonstop crying, I was worn pretty ragged those first few months. I survived on showers at 2am, 1-minute breaks sitting on the back porch with the sun in my face, long cries into my coffee, granola bars, and netflix. I tell you, single/solo parenting is HARD. I don't wish it on anyone. If you know a single mom, or one whose husband works long hours (or out of town), help a mama out! I don't mean ask if she wants help, just show up and help. (I'm not gonna lie, I could have used a lot more help...I was just too proud to ask for it.)

So now that we are past the I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing-and-my-baby-won't-stop-crying phase, things finally feel good. Hazel is a completely different baby than she was those first few months. She laughs and smiles and we like each other. We are starting to get into some sort of routine and my anxiety about getting out of the house is almost all gone. Life is still challenging and I am often frustrated with my loss of independence (especially when Andy is not around to give me a break), but all in all I feel better about being a mom. It is crazy how much a little human can change your life. I love my child, but I truly don't understand how people can do this over and over again with multiple children. Mad respect to them! One-and-done will be my story. :)