Friday, September 4, 2015

6-week Postpartum Truths

Photo by Robin Skievaski Photography
Well here I am, 6-weeks after giving birth to our little Hazel. I have had a lot of half written posts in my head, but they have never made it to the computer. This was partially because taking care of a newborn has consumed all of my time, and partially because I had so much to say that I didn't know how to properly organize it. I still don't know how to organize it, but the time has come to try.

I've read a lot of baby blogs, thus a lot of birth stories. I always figured I would follow suit and post my birth story after it happened. Before giving birth, I was really excited to go into labor, experience giving birth, and then tell everyone my magical story. Then it happened. And let me tell you, there was NOTHING magical about it. In fact, it was the most traumatizing event that I have ever experienced. So traumatizing that I don't want to tell my birth story. You might be wondering, wow something serious must have happened. The truth is that nothing serious happened, it was a very average birth. I was just a huge wimp, I lost control, I freaked out, in the end I was extremely traumatized, end of story.

I don't understand how everyone can say that pregnancy is magical, giving birth is magical, newborns are magical...yata yata. Maybe it truly is magical for some people, but not for me. I would be more inclined to use the adjectives uncomfortable, painful, isolating. Before getting pregnant, I was under the illusion that everything involved with having a baby would be beautiful. I was so wrong. I hate to be a downer, but I have not enjoyed any of the process of getting pregnant and having a baby. (Except for feeling her kicks when she was inside me, and feeling like a mother goddess for a total of about one week when I was pregnant.) Overall, it has been hard and isolating.

Maybe I wasn't ready for a baby, maybe I don't do as well with change as I thought I did. Whatever it is, I have struggled. Yes, I wanted to experience pregnancy, I wanted to feel my body grow with life inside it, and then use my incredible body to push that new life out into the world. I did it, I experienced it, and now my life has changed forever. I now have to deal with the challenges of someone else needing me 24 hours a day, loss of independence, loss of body perkiness, loss of social life...I gave all of those up and I am struggling. Yes, I gained a beautiful and healthy daughter, but I have yet to truly appreciate her. So far, she is like a needy pet. She eats, sleeps, poops, and cries. That is my life now. I am trying hard to find joy in the little things, but some days this life change is just all too overwhelming. Thus the journey to motherhood begins!

(Don't get me wrong, this is not postpartum depression, I am just processing the whirlwind that this is. My spirits are upbeat, I am just dealing with change and trying to speak my truth. :)

1 comment:

  1. I think you're articulating the disconnect between having a dream and the reality of it. All your feelings and thoughts are perfectly normal---you just didn't ever envision THIS side of the dream...until now. And for what it's worth: you're doing a GREAT job of piecing together and accepting your new reality. xoxo!