Monday, January 21, 2013

Adoption vs. having your own child...and we hear from Andy

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Adoption vs. having our own child has been the latest topic of conversation between Andy and myself these days. Growing up in another country as a missionary kid I have seen a lot of poverty along with sick hungry children. Most of the time, the community would take care of these children whether they were orphans or not, but in the back of my mind I knew this was not the case everywhere. Even as a child, I wanted to take these children in as my own. (Early maternal instincts I guess.) At some point in my childhood, I made a mental note that I'd like to adopt in the future.

Andy feels the opposite of me. (Go figure!) He brings the conversation down to the gene level. (A typical guy.) He was so kind to write in my blog and give his own view:


*I have a difficult time preparing for kids.  I enjoy the adventure of life and pursuit of my own selfish passions.  Children to me are a burden, who may bring great joy to the lives of people who have them, but at the same time hinder individual pursuit of greatness and self-discovery.  That is where I start the discussion of kids.  

I will start off by saying the American culture of adoption does bring benefit to the lives of individual children who may have been orphaned or inadequately coddled.  However, I get concerned by the unknown nature of adoption.  What about family history?  Why were the parents unable to care for the child?  Why were the parents unable to make good decisions when having this child?  These questions concern me when culturally, dating and marriage are used as tools of societal natural selection.  I have chosen a partner, based on her intelligence, beauty, and success to create a child which should carry the strengths of my partner and I into future generations.  If we choose adoption, then I feel I should have the opportunity in choosing my lineage with the same scrutiny as I have chosen my partner. 

So I did some research. I looked up statistics for adopted children, both from the US and from other countries. The statistics that I found showed that adopted children did just as well in school and social situations as biological children, no matter their background. In quite a few studies they actually did better. So take that Andy! He is still not convinced.

I think when it comes down to it, Andy wants his/our children to have his genes and know that the child actually came from us. To him, that may feel more real. I, on the other hand, am perfectly fine adopting a baby or young child and calling it my own. I don't feel the need to carry the child in my womb for 9 months (giving it my genes) and birth it out to be able to say it is my child. If I can do some good in this world by adopting and giving a clean, healthy, loving home to a child without my genes, then that's what I want to do. (And yes, I know there comes the added work of an adopted child.)

So the discussion will continue... Andy and I aren't ready for children just yet, but the conversations have started. We may talk circles around this forever and never have children because we can't agree, who knows.

What about you? What are your views on adoption vs. having your own child? Or genes? How did you decide?

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9 comments:

  1. I agree with Andy. I wouldn't consider adopting at all unless there was some kind of physical problem with either myself or my partner that would prevent us from having our own child. I've thought too much about having my own child, watching it grow in my (non-existent at this point, hehe) wife's belly, holding it when it first comes into the world, then watching it grow and develop from that moment on. Trying to discover the parts of him/her that my genes gave to it and what came from my wife, molding the nature that I passed down to it with nurturing, etc. Plus, it's all primal instinct and such! It's admirable to want to adopt, and my sister-in-law's parents have adopted two children even though they have 3 healthy grown kids so I've seen it be successful firsthand, but it's not for everyone.

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    1. Thanks for the comment. I think it helps to get perspective from others. I know Andy will appreciate this comment.

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  2. You sound like me and he sounds like my boyfriend (more or less). We are not so far along as to be thinking about having kids in the near future as I still have to finish school and would like to be married before I have kids.. but this is my thought on it.. I could totally do without getting pregnant and having a baby. I'm actually scared of that whole bit. But I am willing to consider it. I know I could love and raise a child as my own no matter who or where it came from or what the background. I have a big heart and lots of patience and the longing to make a difference, to give a home and the love of a family to a baby or child that is in need is something I have always wanted. Whether foster care or adoption. Not everyone is capable of feeling that way though. I wouldn't want to push my feelings on brian, but at the same time I hope he considers those options down the road when we are ready to do more than talk about having a family.. there are so many ways to think about this.. you could consider having a biological child first and then when you are ready for another he could consider adoption as an option to expand your family.. just some food for thought.. :)

    I hope you guys figure out something that works for both of you.. <3

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    1. I agree with you on everything. From the response I've gotten from people so far (facebook and blog) it seems like most men side with Andy, while some women agree with me. I think it really comes down to what Matt said above about primal instinct (for men). I also like the idea about having a biological child first and then adopting. That could work for us! Thanks for the comment.

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  3. Since I began going to a UU church recently I’ve met a bunch of people who have adopted kids – at least 6 who I can think of. These people are dedicating their lives to parenting these special children. Every parent dedicates his/her life to caring for their children, but not like these people. They have a gift that I think very few people have.
    Last Sunday I sat down with a woman who has adopted four kids from about 3 years old to 12, plus she has one of her own. They are all extremely needy and her life revolves around them. While talking with her, one of the younger ones had the most extreme temper tantrum I’ve ever seen.
    Another person was helping at our house with some work we needed done when his phone rang. He needed to take it. It was his 25 year old adopted son. He told me later that they didn’t know it when they adopted him, but his mother had been alcoholic and its effect on children is quite extreme. He’s had a huge struggle, can’t keep a job, couldn’t handle school, a bunch of problems and the parents are still doing everything they can to help.
    I could tell you more stories, but I think you get the point. You need to be ready to make an adopted child your life work. You just never know for sure. On the other hand, having a biological child takes the same kind of commitment. You just never know. A family down the street from us has four children and the oldest has severe cerebral palsy. Caring for him is a 24/7 job and shapes all their lives.
    Most people who have biological children don’t give much thought to having such a needy child because most kids aren’t. They just want a kid, or two or three, or more, and it just happens. We always said, “Kids make the good times better and the bad times worse.” You need to go into it with your eyes wide open. It’s forever. And it’s not for whimps. It’s huge and probably the biggest commitment you’ll ever make. You both need to be committed in the same way or it can tear you apart.

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    1. Thanks for your comment, it is all good stuff to hear.

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  4. This conversation makes me a little fearful for my own life. I do not want children, I have actively made that choice. I do however tell my boyfriend that when we are ready to marry and have children, I want to adopt our first then I might change my mind. However, privately, I do not think I will. I am prepared to split from the man, and the person, I love most in this world to preserve my ability to not have a child without the strong desire to do so. In fact, I have a very deep fear and loathing of the childbearing process.
    Conversely, I have a very strong desire to adopt and care for a child that may not be otherwise cared for. It is better aligned with my personal values and beliefs. Why should I selfishly bring a child into this world when there are so many out there who need a loving family? And to the person commenting before me, many people choose to take on high risk adoptions. These kinds of adoptions are indeed more challenging than many children you could have from a healthy marriage. I would like to point out that many, many more children with special needs children are born to stable, affluent families that thought they were ready for the commitment. Also, you can have more low risk adoptions, that although have their own unique challenges, are not inherently more challenging than having your own biological child.

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